lolamatopoeia: (whoopdeefuckingdo)
I submitted my acceptance to Nipissing last night. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am excited about this decision (or, rather, not as excited/exciting as I would be if I chose otherwise), but I know that it is the best option for me for many reasons. This has been, and is, tough for me.

I know that many of you will be disappointed in me for this and I would have loved to be in a spot where I could say to everyone 'fuck it all, I'm going to NZ anyway' but I can't. I'd love to be able to let all my friends and family, strangers and enemies, watch me take big risks in life but I have to do what works for me. It would have been great to wrap up this story of my desire for travel and teaching with an ending like 'and then she lived happily ever after by going to school in NZ after all' (heck, who wouldn't want to read that) but this is not the end of my story folks, this is just the beginning. I will now look forward to a full lifetime of teaching and travelling, and living and teaching in different lands.

One of my biggest goals in life is to live in a different country for at least a year, hopefully more, and I am still going to accomplish this goal. I have to. Although I had initially thought that going to school overseas was a good way to do this, it is not going to be the best way for me. I will teach in NZ (or even Australia or the UK) as soon as humanly possible when I am finished my training at Nipissing - that's a promise I've made to myself. I have to keep it. This is not the end of my story, this is just the beginning.

Regardless, I am still quitting my job and leaving on a jet plane for a trip to New Zealand in June (and tramping around NZ and AUS until the beginning of August).

I'm trying hard to stay positive, but so far I've been finding it pretty difficult. I woke up this morning and the first instinct I had was to think something about NZ like I have been doing for the past six months, just an automatic impulse I've made into a habit. It's a habit because this has been on my brain for so long while North Bay (or, Nort' Bey as the locals call it) has not. I do not want to be sad or regretful about this decision. It'll kill me. I need to be positive about this and I can't allow myself to look back on this in any negative way. I can't. This has to be a good thing. I can't allow myself to be sad about this. I can't handle being sad anymore. I am choosing, and trying hard, not to be sad. Your help, friends and strangers, would be appreciated right now. I'm feeling kind of fragile. I need positive thoughts and words and support and encouragment to make sure I don't look back and go into a negative space but keep looking forward to a bright and full future. This is not the end of my story. Be happy for me. I want to be happy. Thanks for all of your support.

Happy thoughts, please?
lolamatopoeia: (marilyntiredhead)
Today has been a bad day for me, emotionally. I had some odd dreams last night associated with the upcoming decision and just everything about this whole situation is making me feel so fucking down. I know that I should be looking at the positives and how I've been accepted everywhere (well, except the PhD) but for me this makes things worse - I would have been better off being rejected by all but one. I am not good with decisions, especially potentially life changing ones.

Today I have been thinking seriously about going back on medication for my depression. I'm not doing too well with myself lately.

another one to read with Prozac )

I'm sorry that I keep posting about this, I'm sorry. I just have no one else to talk to about it anymore since I've been talking the ears off of my friends and family for months now and they don't want to hear it anymore.

Every day I can feel myself getting older and I feel like I'm wasting away. I'm already feeling like I'm 65 years old and looking back on my life with so much regret. I'm so tired of being so sad. I'm so tired of wasting my life being so sad. I'm sad all the time and I can't escape it anymore. I'm just so sad and sick of myself and sick of being so sad. I need to start using this life to actually live but I don't know how to stop being so sad.

flabitus

Mar. 25th, 2009 10:41 pm
lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
I did not go running tonight and I feel like a lazy fuck because of that. It's been cold and raining all afternoon and evening and I just couldn't bring myself to do it even though I told myself from the beginning of the process that if I start missing days because of something stupid like the weather then I'll just keep making excuses and eventually give up. Ugh. It's just that I've been fighting the return of my cold for the past week and I just didn't want to risk it because it's just so cold and wet and the exertion would aw who am I kidding? I just wasn't up to it tonight and now I feel appropriately like crap. I took the dog for a long walk in the rain as a sort of supplement, but it's not quite the same. Maybe I'll do a few practice runs with the dog on our own in the next evening or so to make myself feel better. The dog needs the practice and I need to get rid of the flub that's been bugging me.

________________________________________

I had a friend over last night to watch the last of the L Word. Now that it's over we'll have to find something else to watch together on Tuesday nights. I'm trying to get her hooked on 'Being Human', we'll see how that goes. She made the most amazing antojitos, complete with amazing dip, for us to eat and yeah, WOW, I am going to have to hone up on my culinary skills and get my ass in the kitchen for next time to even try and compare. I am humbled by antojitos.

Also last night she caught me on the negative wheel going over and over all of the reasons that I shouldn't go to New Zealand. I kept going on and on about the money and the time away from people I love and how it's really not that much different from Canada and the accent kind of gets on my nerves and yada yada until she just asked 'why can't you just allow yourself to be happy?' Good question. That is a good question. I'm working on it. Honestly, I am.

________________________________________

I'm getting a little backed up on emails and responses to things. The wonderful former postman from the cafe I used to work at (long story) emailed me with a long update before Christmas and I've been meaning to write him a long update as well but that just takes so much time and I need like an afternoon to write something like that so yeah, it's been months now and it's just sitting there in my inbox. Taunting me. That and the response I'm supposed to give to that one ipod case guy. I actually ended up ordering one from someone else on Etsy and it's perfect and I'm happy with the purchase I finally made but now I've got to tell this first guy that I found something else. Obviously the truth is the best approach, but that won't make it suck any less for him as a seller or make me come off as any less insane.

_________________________________________

I had a whole bunch of other things I wanted to write about - including a work beef/can't let go of the red stapler situation at work (which reminds me, I should go through and make sure my work posts are locked ...), something about social networking something something, maybe something Springsteen, and probably also something about how if I don't decide on a haircut soon I'm just going to get the scissors and start chopping.

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