lolamatopoeia: (Default)
I feel like hell. This has got to be up there with one of my worst period days in recent memory. This brings me back to the horrors of high school cycles when I usually had to stay home from school it was so bad. At least there's no vomiting and cold sweats this time. I have felt dizzy and nauseous and been in aching/sharp/whooshing/cyclic pain all friggin' day. It's unrelenting. It's hard to focus or even think. I'm dizzy because of the massive blood loss and the painkillers which are only dulling the pain and I'm weak and so so tired and out of my head.

Watched 'Flight of the Red Balloon' tonight. It's kind of a dreamy fade in, fade out, of a family situation in Paris. It's nicely done and sweet and engaging at times but I fell asleep for a bit in the beginning - a bit too much of a fade in, or maybe just too much blood loss. It's a nice movie though, it's just one of those slow-moving ones you have to be in the mood to appreciate. Regardless, Julette Binoche is fantastic as ever.

I've had nothing but weird dreams lately. I've had two dreams in the past few weeks that I am on a plane to New Zealand and have forgotten something, anything. The first time, I didn't have financing finished and tuition wasn't paid but classes were starting the next day and I was on the plane screaming to get off. The next dream was something similar but with a car (not being on one, but having forgotten one). Last night I had a dream that Tudor and I were in some sort of crappy George Lucas on George Lucas film where machines were hunting humans and we were some of the last ones left and then we got distracted by a swimming dog and Tudor got shot and then I volunteered to get shot along with him.

The other night I cried like a baby while watching elephants on television because I find it difficult to believe that such majestic, sensitive, wise, mythical and beautiful creatures exist on this earth.

I'm getting dizzier and weaker. I'm going to go pass out now.
lolamatopoeia: (Default)
Yesterday, with very little warning, a man with a power-gut and a last name that was Italian sliced out a piece of my cervix and I still don't know where exactly he put it. Of course, this was after he snort/giggled in agreement with me that 'Oh, this should be fun'.

I expected your average pap-scraping when I left the waiting room of screaming children, but what I got was that ordeal x100. I couldn't help but moan and whimper as the clamps used to pry me open began to bruise my insides and various probes had passed through.
'Are you alright?'
'No, it hurts'.
Swish swish, some solution was sprayed into me.
'Hey, do ya wanna see your cervix?'
'No, (whimper) not really', I replied.
I did manage to catch a glimpse though of the mysterious fleshy (odd and indescribable) internal mechanism on video display beside me before the man in green sliced a piece of my fleshy insides. He stuffed some coppery substance inside me before I was allowed to close my legs again and he left before I sat up and was able to tell the nurse, 'Ughhh, uhh, I'ma na feelin' soooo gooooo----". She ran out to get the towels and the juice.

The body is a strange thing. Apparently, it is a natural reaction for one to feel faint, dizzy, weak, nauseous and be in panicked cold sweats for a few hours after experiencing trauma to the cervix. Who knew? Certainly not me. It just doesn't make much sense to me, really.

I'm usually fine with these sorts of things, and so after the nurse let me lay down on the table for a while, drink some juice and take some deep breaths, I was a little embarrassed and ready to get out of there as soon as possible. I didn't expect to have to sit down halfway through putting my pants back on, but I shrugged it off.

The people in green came back to check on me and I cheerfully said my goodbyes and walked out of the office with my nose and chin upward-facing.

I almost made it to the elevator.

The walking somehow brought on the knees weakening and the walls blurring, the cold sweats and the pukes again, and I could no longer sustain my own weight. I found a chair in the hallway outside someone's office and sat/collapsed there for a while panting uncontrollably with my head against the wall, trying to make it go away, not understanding what was going on. A nurse walked by and stopped, aghast, when she saw me.
'Are you alright?'
'Yeah..I, Im fiine, I jus.."
'Do you have an appointment somewhere, or did you just come from one?'
'I jus came fro [points] ova theeeeeere... [arm goes limp]'
'Oh, I see. I'm going to go get someone from over there, but I might need to take you down to Emerg. You really don't look so good.'

The nurses came from down the hall, all remarking on how I 'don't look so good', and assuring me that this is the normal reaction from most women who get the procedure. 'Yeah, most of the time they faint just down the hall, right near these desks here...'

I spent the rest of the afternoon eating their cookies, drinking their juice, and reading their magazines in their Aerodynamics waiting room until I was able to walk more than a few feet on my own again. I biked myself home, wrapped myself in a blanket, and bled on the couch for the rest of the live-long day.

Sometimes, having a cervix really sucks. Like yesterday.
Now pity me, and buy me pretty things.

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lolamatopoeia

July 2009

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