an update

Apr. 27th, 2009 11:13 pm
lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
So for some reason I haven't posted anything in a while. I'm not sure why I've been silent but it's likely a good thing - I've been processing the big old decision and figuring a lot of things out. I'm OK with the decision, I really am, I'm actually getting excited about Nipissing in the Fall. I do still have these little waves of doubt from time to time, to be completely honest, and I am worried about regret, but I know that all of that negative is up to me to fix. Right now is the complicated stuff though - I'm dealing with a lot of the same panicked quarterlife crisis feelings I've been experiencing for nearly a year now except that now I'm feeling a lot more urgency with the whole thing. I just don't know what to do with that urgency yet. I definitely want to go on a long trip this summer and I'm still so fixated on NZ so I think it would be good for me to go and just get it out of my system (even though it'll be winter there), but then I'm thinking I could also seize an opportunity to save a lot of money on a trip by going to Iceland instead. Or, I don't know. I think I may just need to freaking go and get it over with for gods' sake.

By extension, I'm figuring out that I've got to spend more of my time doing things that I love doing. What drives me crazy with joy and happiness and jealousy, and what I see as true success and happiness, is being able to at least support yourself by doing something you absolutely love doing and are good at. I've spent too much time watching people make something of themselves in this way and not enough time actually doing the small things I need to do to make the big things happen - y'know? I'm also realizing that spending all of my time passively and compulsively surfing the internet (esp. the devil that is facebook) and watching television is not something that makes me happy. It has the opposite effect, actually. The more time I spend on those mediums the more depressed and removed I get. It doesn't mean I'll give up on writing here, it means I've got to limit my time with these things and actually use it more effectively so I can spend more time on the small things to make the big things happen.

In summary - I'm OK. I'm attempting to plan a trip even though I have virtually no travel experience. I'm trying my best to be happy, and to do things that make me happy (for the short and long term). I'm still pretty terrified. I still have a lot to write about.

Just for kicks though, here's a picture by my friend Regan to show you I'm ok (and confused about devil/rock horns):



Oh! Oh! Oh! We got a new puppy! Well, no actually we're dogsitting Rufus dog for [livejournal.com profile] adventureman and his wife, Danielle, while they are living in Alberta for four months. I gotta say though that we really lucked out with this one - Rufus is pretty much the SWEETEST, most good natured, happy go lucky, sweetheart awesomeness, love monster of a dog in the whole world. Honest to goodness. It's just too bad our dog is not appreciating having a new dog in the apartment - she doesn't know what hit her, and she hasn't been too happy lately. She'll get over it. Rufus rocks.
lolamatopoeia: (whoopdeefuckingdo)
I submitted my acceptance to Nipissing last night. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am excited about this decision (or, rather, not as excited/exciting as I would be if I chose otherwise), but I know that it is the best option for me for many reasons. This has been, and is, tough for me.

I know that many of you will be disappointed in me for this and I would have loved to be in a spot where I could say to everyone 'fuck it all, I'm going to NZ anyway' but I can't. I'd love to be able to let all my friends and family, strangers and enemies, watch me take big risks in life but I have to do what works for me. It would have been great to wrap up this story of my desire for travel and teaching with an ending like 'and then she lived happily ever after by going to school in NZ after all' (heck, who wouldn't want to read that) but this is not the end of my story folks, this is just the beginning. I will now look forward to a full lifetime of teaching and travelling, and living and teaching in different lands.

One of my biggest goals in life is to live in a different country for at least a year, hopefully more, and I am still going to accomplish this goal. I have to. Although I had initially thought that going to school overseas was a good way to do this, it is not going to be the best way for me. I will teach in NZ (or even Australia or the UK) as soon as humanly possible when I am finished my training at Nipissing - that's a promise I've made to myself. I have to keep it. This is not the end of my story, this is just the beginning.

Regardless, I am still quitting my job and leaving on a jet plane for a trip to New Zealand in June (and tramping around NZ and AUS until the beginning of August).

I'm trying hard to stay positive, but so far I've been finding it pretty difficult. I woke up this morning and the first instinct I had was to think something about NZ like I have been doing for the past six months, just an automatic impulse I've made into a habit. It's a habit because this has been on my brain for so long while North Bay (or, Nort' Bey as the locals call it) has not. I do not want to be sad or regretful about this decision. It'll kill me. I need to be positive about this and I can't allow myself to look back on this in any negative way. I can't. This has to be a good thing. I can't allow myself to be sad about this. I can't handle being sad anymore. I am choosing, and trying hard, not to be sad. Your help, friends and strangers, would be appreciated right now. I'm feeling kind of fragile. I need positive thoughts and words and support and encouragment to make sure I don't look back and go into a negative space but keep looking forward to a bright and full future. This is not the end of my story. Be happy for me. I want to be happy. Thanks for all of your support.

Happy thoughts, please?
lolamatopoeia: (marilyntiredhead)
Today has been a bad day for me, emotionally. I had some odd dreams last night associated with the upcoming decision and just everything about this whole situation is making me feel so fucking down. I know that I should be looking at the positives and how I've been accepted everywhere (well, except the PhD) but for me this makes things worse - I would have been better off being rejected by all but one. I am not good with decisions, especially potentially life changing ones.

Today I have been thinking seriously about going back on medication for my depression. I'm not doing too well with myself lately.

another one to read with Prozac )

I'm sorry that I keep posting about this, I'm sorry. I just have no one else to talk to about it anymore since I've been talking the ears off of my friends and family for months now and they don't want to hear it anymore.

Every day I can feel myself getting older and I feel like I'm wasting away. I'm already feeling like I'm 65 years old and looking back on my life with so much regret. I'm so tired of being so sad. I'm so tired of wasting my life being so sad. I'm sad all the time and I can't escape it anymore. I'm just so sad and sick of myself and sick of being so sad. I need to start using this life to actually live but I don't know how to stop being so sad.
lolamatopoeia: (pieceofwork)
So, as it turns out, I have been accepted into every Ontario Teachers College I applied to. I've been offered admission to Nipissing (North Bay, ON), Western (London, ON), and Lakehead (Thunder Bay, ON)'s BEd (Intermediate/Senior) programs. I have until April 17th to accept.

Oh, and I've also been accepted to the University of Canterbury's Graduate Diploma of Teaching and Learning (Secondary) program (in Christchurch, NZ). Classes start at the beginning of July.

I have a decision to make.

The amazing news is that, no matter what I choose, by around this time or so next year I will be a qualified Teacher. Woo hoo!

The tough bit is that I feel like I am at a tremendous crossroads with this decision.

This is going to get very long )

I had intended to make this a pros and cons list post, but somehow I ended up just writing and writing and writing. Sorry.

flabitus

Mar. 25th, 2009 10:41 pm
lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
I did not go running tonight and I feel like a lazy fuck because of that. It's been cold and raining all afternoon and evening and I just couldn't bring myself to do it even though I told myself from the beginning of the process that if I start missing days because of something stupid like the weather then I'll just keep making excuses and eventually give up. Ugh. It's just that I've been fighting the return of my cold for the past week and I just didn't want to risk it because it's just so cold and wet and the exertion would aw who am I kidding? I just wasn't up to it tonight and now I feel appropriately like crap. I took the dog for a long walk in the rain as a sort of supplement, but it's not quite the same. Maybe I'll do a few practice runs with the dog on our own in the next evening or so to make myself feel better. The dog needs the practice and I need to get rid of the flub that's been bugging me.

________________________________________

I had a friend over last night to watch the last of the L Word. Now that it's over we'll have to find something else to watch together on Tuesday nights. I'm trying to get her hooked on 'Being Human', we'll see how that goes. She made the most amazing antojitos, complete with amazing dip, for us to eat and yeah, WOW, I am going to have to hone up on my culinary skills and get my ass in the kitchen for next time to even try and compare. I am humbled by antojitos.

Also last night she caught me on the negative wheel going over and over all of the reasons that I shouldn't go to New Zealand. I kept going on and on about the money and the time away from people I love and how it's really not that much different from Canada and the accent kind of gets on my nerves and yada yada until she just asked 'why can't you just allow yourself to be happy?' Good question. That is a good question. I'm working on it. Honestly, I am.

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I'm getting a little backed up on emails and responses to things. The wonderful former postman from the cafe I used to work at (long story) emailed me with a long update before Christmas and I've been meaning to write him a long update as well but that just takes so much time and I need like an afternoon to write something like that so yeah, it's been months now and it's just sitting there in my inbox. Taunting me. That and the response I'm supposed to give to that one ipod case guy. I actually ended up ordering one from someone else on Etsy and it's perfect and I'm happy with the purchase I finally made but now I've got to tell this first guy that I found something else. Obviously the truth is the best approach, but that won't make it suck any less for him as a seller or make me come off as any less insane.

_________________________________________

I had a whole bunch of other things I wanted to write about - including a work beef/can't let go of the red stapler situation at work (which reminds me, I should go through and make sure my work posts are locked ...), something about social networking something something, maybe something Springsteen, and probably also something about how if I don't decide on a haircut soon I'm just going to get the scissors and start chopping.
lolamatopoeia: (whoopdeefuckingdo)
I'm not sure if it's that it just hasn't hit me yet or if it's that I'm actually alright with the fact that I did not get into the PhD program, but I'm surprisingly OK. In any case, thanks to all of you for the congratulations! :)

What may really be the kicker is seeing all of the really smart and well deserving people I know get their acceptance letters rolling in over the next little while. Then it might actually hit me and I'll be able to process all of it. Maybe do a little grieving because any rejection, no matter how OK I am about it, sucks. No no, what will actually be really tough is when my former classmates from my MA get their PhD's in a few years. Hopefully by then I'll be in a better place in life though and I'll be better prepared to deal with that. I'll be OK. The rejection doesn't mean that I am not intelligent or that my idea isn't something that needs to be pursued, it just means that it isn't my time. Or, maybe it really is just not the right path for me - and that's OK. I'm still OK.

The thing is, I'm now trying to wrap my head around the idea that this means I'm actually going to New Zealand in a few months, and that I'm truly going to be a Teacher (and a damn good one). Just, wow. That part, that's the part that doesn't feel real.

_____________________________

I went for my second run this week at the Running Room and I'm so glad I did. I was feeling so sore, as though my thigh muscles had ripped away from the bone, but I knew that if I didn't go I might as well give up now because I won't keep up the commitment. I took it easy and actually felt exhilarated by the end of the run - so much so that I grabbed the dog as soon as I got home and took her for a few rounds around the block as well! One of the best parts of the whole experience is the whole community aspect - other runners wave and smile as they run by and welcome me in their groups and their lifestyle and it's such a friendly space to be in, on top of the activity, fresh air, and a great sense of accomplishment. So glad I joined.

______________________________


I need my hair cut off, like now. I am so sick of the stuff growing out of my head I could just rip it out. I'm just so sick of my look with this hair - it just hangs there. It's just long and straight and I almost never do anything with it. I hardly even wear it in a ponytail or anything anymore. It just hangs there because I can't be bothered fussing over it. Maybe I just need a new style or something, like maybe I'll get some bangs or whatnot, but lately I've been thinking of doing things like this, or this (the redhead), also here, or maybe even this (on the left). I'm leaning most toward the first photo. I need something drastic and that I don't have to do anything with, but I'm also terrified of having an awful haircut to display in pictures of my time overseas. Bah! Let me know what you think, keeping in mind that I currently look like this:

The picture of Tudor and me was taken on Saturday night at a work event. Yep, I'm that short, and he's pretty cute too. I have a nice face stuffed full of food in that there photo.
lolamatopoeia: (george-chairfight-beinghuman)
So I just finished sending an email to that etsy guy. I kept it as short as possible and didn't try and instigate any arguing or bs or anything and just kept it simple with my requests about both the length and the magnets thing and I also told him my price limit. I was brief and clear and let him know that I appreciate his work as well. We'll see what happens. If this thing gets any more complicated I'll just go through someone else or something. This whole ipod case thing is driving me a little nuts.

_________________________________

I joined all three of the spotlighted journals that were on the lj home page today because they were just too perfect to be true - crock pot cooking, apartment gardening, and Sarah Down Undah (about a Canadian travelling through Australia and New Zealand and taking AMAZING photos along the way). One of her photos from her latest entry actually made me gasp. GASP! Honestly, gasp. If you want to gasp too, just stare a little bit at the second photo in this entry and tell me it doesn't make your heart skip a few beats and then want to beat out of your chest while you try to catch you breath. No? Just me? Yeah, I really need to go to New Zealand. NOW.

In case you haven't guessed, this week I no longer want to do the PhD but want to fly as quickly as I can to New Zealand. Next week, I'll likely have the opposite mindset. I am a delight.

___________________________________

Oh, and you know what kind of person needs to cease to exist or at least get their comeuppance? The kind of person that breaks into your van when it's parked on the side of the road while your boyfriend is walking the dog and decides that although they got into the vehicle with minimal effort and drank your beer and ate your cupcakes (boyfriend was going to a gathering of friends) that they just HAD TO CRACK YOUR WINDSHIELD in two places before they leave on their merry way. No reason, you know, just a big old 'Fuck You' for having your aged fam van parked on the side of the road in the boonies on a Sunday afternoon. Now, we're going to have to replace our windshield. Damn it. We're on a tight enough budget as it is and this is exactly what we don't need. What the fuck? What is wrong with people? Seriously.

Also, this journal needs more pictures. Picture bonus (cue unflattering but terribly cute picture of me and the dog from today): )

lolamatopoeia: (marilyntiredhead)
Today was ok at work, I think. I still hate it to the very core, but I'm deciding to make the most of it. I'm trying, as carefully and deliberately as possible, to be as positive as I can at work. I have to force it most of the time, but I get a bit better at it throughout the day and y'know it just, it just keeps me sane.

I need recommendations. I am in a huge hair rut and I need a change. I'm just sick of the way my hair looks and I have no idea what to do with it anymore. Whatever I do it just ends up looking the same. I've even been considering going super short Mia Farrow-like but I know I've always regretted it eventually when I get it done. It's also just a pain the butt to grow out. Also, if I'm going to NZ for a year or so I have a feeling I'll be taking a lot of pictures and I would hate to look back on pictures and think 'oh yeah, New Zealand - that's where I had that really bad hairdo' whenever they include me. Does anyone know where I could look or go to find the best kind of cut and style for my face shape? Would it be crazy to go into a hair salon and ask for a consultation?

Also, I need a good book. A real page turner. I want a book that I can't put down - I miss that feeling. I started reading 'Tropic of Cancer' a while ago and I just don't think I'm in the right state to read it right now. Nothing wrong with the book, I'm just not into reading post-modernist stream of consciousness stuff about absense of plot/meaning, etc. I started reading 'Delta of Venus' and it's great except that, well, I can't read erotica all the time and the last story I read from the collection ended with a vaginal mutilation scene. Not so good for the vaginismus therapy.
lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
I spent most of my today staring at spreadsheets at work. Mainly I just rearranged data and made them seem easier on my eyes. The new MS Office makes everything look so good. The new fonts and themes are just so ... pretty. Calibri font ftw! Calibri everywhere, all the time! Calibri! It's too bad the whole suite and system is such a slimy piece of bloatware.

___________________________________

I felt a teeny bit productive today. Finally. I cancelled my OSAP application so that I can apply for a new one to accommodate the new deferred July start date for NZ. I also filled out a health check questionnaire over the phone for insurance coverage on the big-big loan, and I checked in to an RRSP plan thingy for my education savings. Woo!

__________________________________

Oh! And I've been going for long walks with the dog lately because we're both getting fat and listless and that bitch (ahem) has no respect for me.

I think that I've decided (there it is again) I'm going to sign up for both a 'Learn to Run' clinic at the Running Room (I actually do not know how to run properly and have always wanted to be a Runner) and a Pilates class within the month to take advantage of the wellness package I receive at work. Honestly, I think that I'm the only one there actually planning to use the package at all. Ha!

I want to be strong and lean. I'm at a stagnant point with my body where I lost that huge amount of weight and now I'm thinking that I could do even better for myself. I'm honestly not fat, by any means really. I've got the weight off now, I just want to tone up and be more physically fit.

__________________________

I just found out that KW Little Theatre has a call for auditions for an upcoming play and I wouldn't be able to perform in it even if I got a part since the show start in July. Gargh! Wants to be in a play! Wants to find out about the doctor application so she can officially move on (or not)!

___________________________

Also, today I made the startling revelation that I look really awesome in coral nail polish. Next: lipstick. I know, it's all very exciting.
lolamatopoeia: (Default)
I feel like hell. This has got to be up there with one of my worst period days in recent memory. This brings me back to the horrors of high school cycles when I usually had to stay home from school it was so bad. At least there's no vomiting and cold sweats this time. I have felt dizzy and nauseous and been in aching/sharp/whooshing/cyclic pain all friggin' day. It's unrelenting. It's hard to focus or even think. I'm dizzy because of the massive blood loss and the painkillers which are only dulling the pain and I'm weak and so so tired and out of my head.

Watched 'Flight of the Red Balloon' tonight. It's kind of a dreamy fade in, fade out, of a family situation in Paris. It's nicely done and sweet and engaging at times but I fell asleep for a bit in the beginning - a bit too much of a fade in, or maybe just too much blood loss. It's a nice movie though, it's just one of those slow-moving ones you have to be in the mood to appreciate. Regardless, Julette Binoche is fantastic as ever.

I've had nothing but weird dreams lately. I've had two dreams in the past few weeks that I am on a plane to New Zealand and have forgotten something, anything. The first time, I didn't have financing finished and tuition wasn't paid but classes were starting the next day and I was on the plane screaming to get off. The next dream was something similar but with a car (not being on one, but having forgotten one). Last night I had a dream that Tudor and I were in some sort of crappy George Lucas on George Lucas film where machines were hunting humans and we were some of the last ones left and then we got distracted by a swimming dog and Tudor got shot and then I volunteered to get shot along with him.

The other night I cried like a baby while watching elephants on television because I find it difficult to believe that such majestic, sensitive, wise, mythical and beautiful creatures exist on this earth.

I'm getting dizzier and weaker. I'm going to go pass out now.
lolamatopoeia: (Default)
I've been working on this awful Statement of Intent for my PhD application all day today. It's bad, I mean really bad. Well, it's an excellent idea and concept but the application itself is just poorly executed and badly researched and I can't pretend that the committee won't see that.

The thing is, while I've been struggling to write this thing I've been having to stop myself from researching places to stay in New Zealand when I get there. As I was browsing through flats to rent in Canterbury I had to stop myself to ask 'What the hell am I doing?'. No, really - what the hell am I doing?

I went to a party (the annual Festivus party, yes it is as awesome as it sounds) last night with some great friends. I have great friends and I don't spend enough time with them having fun. I had fun, and I need to have fun and really truly enjoy the fun times more often.

I haven't been outside all day. I haven't breathed fresh air all day. The sun went up and it went down and I've been in my pajamas, tied to this proposal, locked away and full of anxiety all day. If by some weird twist of fate I actually get in to this program today is just a taste of what I would be facing for the next 4-7 years. What the hell am I doing?

All of this is telling me something, I know. I'm trying my best to listen.

thought

Jan. 7th, 2009 12:14 am
lolamatopoeia: (Default)
Tudor and I were talking briefly about applications, about PhD's and academia in general and I mentioned how I never really saw an end point to my academic journey when I started graduate school (or, even during my undergrad). I just assumed that I would go on afterwards and continue into a career in a university, as a professor. I didn't consider anything outside of that and I really, really, really should have. I chose to get a Master of Arts degree in English Literature because I like books, and I didn't want to stop being in school. I was very wrong, and I've got years of being virtually unemployable and miserable to show for it.

If I were to do it all again, I explained to him, if I would have known that a PhD was not for me (since I'm still not sure it is, even though I'm applying) I would have chosen a more marketable, career-focused, Masters program - like professional or creative writing, or library sciences, or museum studies. I could pursue a lot of the things I'd like to professionally with any one of those degrees, and would have turned out much more employable and possibly much less miserable.

If I were really able to do it over again, though, I realized with absolute resolve - I would have done an MFA instead and studied Art History and learned to be a better painter and sculptor. In such a program I would have pursued the things that bring me so much joy I can feel it in my fingertips and I would be marketable to galleries, museums and other cultural institutions where I would flourish. Yes, absolutely - if I could go back I would have done an MFA instead. And flourished.

This may not seem like much to you reading it, but to me that knowledge feels like a revelation. I felt the need to document it in some way. If I were to do it again, I would pursue a Master of Fine Arts degree, and painted and sculpted and studied the masters, instead. I know this for certain, I wish I would have known this then and followed my first instincts.

I think that if I go to New Zealand I will definitely pick up my third teachable subject and become qualified to teach Art as well.

A second Masters would just be silly though, wouldn't it?

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