lolamatopoeia: (whoopdeefuckingdo)
I'm not sure if it's that it just hasn't hit me yet or if it's that I'm actually alright with the fact that I did not get into the PhD program, but I'm surprisingly OK. In any case, thanks to all of you for the congratulations! :)

What may really be the kicker is seeing all of the really smart and well deserving people I know get their acceptance letters rolling in over the next little while. Then it might actually hit me and I'll be able to process all of it. Maybe do a little grieving because any rejection, no matter how OK I am about it, sucks. No no, what will actually be really tough is when my former classmates from my MA get their PhD's in a few years. Hopefully by then I'll be in a better place in life though and I'll be better prepared to deal with that. I'll be OK. The rejection doesn't mean that I am not intelligent or that my idea isn't something that needs to be pursued, it just means that it isn't my time. Or, maybe it really is just not the right path for me - and that's OK. I'm still OK.

The thing is, I'm now trying to wrap my head around the idea that this means I'm actually going to New Zealand in a few months, and that I'm truly going to be a Teacher (and a damn good one). Just, wow. That part, that's the part that doesn't feel real.

_____________________________

I went for my second run this week at the Running Room and I'm so glad I did. I was feeling so sore, as though my thigh muscles had ripped away from the bone, but I knew that if I didn't go I might as well give up now because I won't keep up the commitment. I took it easy and actually felt exhilarated by the end of the run - so much so that I grabbed the dog as soon as I got home and took her for a few rounds around the block as well! One of the best parts of the whole experience is the whole community aspect - other runners wave and smile as they run by and welcome me in their groups and their lifestyle and it's such a friendly space to be in, on top of the activity, fresh air, and a great sense of accomplishment. So glad I joined.

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I need my hair cut off, like now. I am so sick of the stuff growing out of my head I could just rip it out. I'm just so sick of my look with this hair - it just hangs there. It's just long and straight and I almost never do anything with it. I hardly even wear it in a ponytail or anything anymore. It just hangs there because I can't be bothered fussing over it. Maybe I just need a new style or something, like maybe I'll get some bangs or whatnot, but lately I've been thinking of doing things like this, or this (the redhead), also here, or maybe even this (on the left). I'm leaning most toward the first photo. I need something drastic and that I don't have to do anything with, but I'm also terrified of having an awful haircut to display in pictures of my time overseas. Bah! Let me know what you think, keeping in mind that I currently look like this:

The picture of Tudor and me was taken on Saturday night at a work event. Yep, I'm that short, and he's pretty cute too. I have a nice face stuffed full of food in that there photo.
lolamatopoeia: (george-chairfight-beinghuman)
So I just finished sending an email to that etsy guy. I kept it as short as possible and didn't try and instigate any arguing or bs or anything and just kept it simple with my requests about both the length and the magnets thing and I also told him my price limit. I was brief and clear and let him know that I appreciate his work as well. We'll see what happens. If this thing gets any more complicated I'll just go through someone else or something. This whole ipod case thing is driving me a little nuts.

_________________________________

I joined all three of the spotlighted journals that were on the lj home page today because they were just too perfect to be true - crock pot cooking, apartment gardening, and Sarah Down Undah (about a Canadian travelling through Australia and New Zealand and taking AMAZING photos along the way). One of her photos from her latest entry actually made me gasp. GASP! Honestly, gasp. If you want to gasp too, just stare a little bit at the second photo in this entry and tell me it doesn't make your heart skip a few beats and then want to beat out of your chest while you try to catch you breath. No? Just me? Yeah, I really need to go to New Zealand. NOW.

In case you haven't guessed, this week I no longer want to do the PhD but want to fly as quickly as I can to New Zealand. Next week, I'll likely have the opposite mindset. I am a delight.

___________________________________

Oh, and you know what kind of person needs to cease to exist or at least get their comeuppance? The kind of person that breaks into your van when it's parked on the side of the road while your boyfriend is walking the dog and decides that although they got into the vehicle with minimal effort and drank your beer and ate your cupcakes (boyfriend was going to a gathering of friends) that they just HAD TO CRACK YOUR WINDSHIELD in two places before they leave on their merry way. No reason, you know, just a big old 'Fuck You' for having your aged fam van parked on the side of the road in the boonies on a Sunday afternoon. Now, we're going to have to replace our windshield. Damn it. We're on a tight enough budget as it is and this is exactly what we don't need. What the fuck? What is wrong with people? Seriously.

Also, this journal needs more pictures. Picture bonus (cue unflattering but terribly cute picture of me and the dog from today): )

lolamatopoeia: (boss)
I finished the application, and it's now out of my hands. I am exhausted. I got a lot of help from some tremendous and brilliant friends, and I put my best efforts into the proposal and now it's just ... it's done. I am completely trusting that whatever happens after this, I will be completely ok.

To be honest though, things are going to get really fucking complicated if I actually get in.
lolamatopoeia: (Default)
I've been working on this awful Statement of Intent for my PhD application all day today. It's bad, I mean really bad. Well, it's an excellent idea and concept but the application itself is just poorly executed and badly researched and I can't pretend that the committee won't see that.

The thing is, while I've been struggling to write this thing I've been having to stop myself from researching places to stay in New Zealand when I get there. As I was browsing through flats to rent in Canterbury I had to stop myself to ask 'What the hell am I doing?'. No, really - what the hell am I doing?

I went to a party (the annual Festivus party, yes it is as awesome as it sounds) last night with some great friends. I have great friends and I don't spend enough time with them having fun. I had fun, and I need to have fun and really truly enjoy the fun times more often.

I haven't been outside all day. I haven't breathed fresh air all day. The sun went up and it went down and I've been in my pajamas, tied to this proposal, locked away and full of anxiety all day. If by some weird twist of fate I actually get in to this program today is just a taste of what I would be facing for the next 4-7 years. What the hell am I doing?

All of this is telling me something, I know. I'm trying my best to listen.

thought

Jan. 7th, 2009 12:14 am
lolamatopoeia: (Default)
Tudor and I were talking briefly about applications, about PhD's and academia in general and I mentioned how I never really saw an end point to my academic journey when I started graduate school (or, even during my undergrad). I just assumed that I would go on afterwards and continue into a career in a university, as a professor. I didn't consider anything outside of that and I really, really, really should have. I chose to get a Master of Arts degree in English Literature because I like books, and I didn't want to stop being in school. I was very wrong, and I've got years of being virtually unemployable and miserable to show for it.

If I were to do it all again, I explained to him, if I would have known that a PhD was not for me (since I'm still not sure it is, even though I'm applying) I would have chosen a more marketable, career-focused, Masters program - like professional or creative writing, or library sciences, or museum studies. I could pursue a lot of the things I'd like to professionally with any one of those degrees, and would have turned out much more employable and possibly much less miserable.

If I were really able to do it over again, though, I realized with absolute resolve - I would have done an MFA instead and studied Art History and learned to be a better painter and sculptor. In such a program I would have pursued the things that bring me so much joy I can feel it in my fingertips and I would be marketable to galleries, museums and other cultural institutions where I would flourish. Yes, absolutely - if I could go back I would have done an MFA instead. And flourished.

This may not seem like much to you reading it, but to me that knowledge feels like a revelation. I felt the need to document it in some way. If I were to do it again, I would pursue a Master of Fine Arts degree, and painted and sculpted and studied the masters, instead. I know this for certain, I wish I would have known this then and followed my first instincts.

I think that if I go to New Zealand I will definitely pick up my third teachable subject and become qualified to teach Art as well.

A second Masters would just be silly though, wouldn't it?

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