lolamatopoeia: (marilyntiredhead)
I think I've been grumpier today than I have been in a long, long time. I was curt and bitchy and short tempered and miserable all day. I felt like crap and I just could not shake it. I had to wake up early today for my 8:30AM practice run at the Running Room which was great but fuck I wish I had had more sleep in me. I could not get to sleep last night and even when I did get a little shut-eye time I would keep waking up for no reason and then struggle to go back to sleep again. It was so frustrating. I haven't had such a hard time sleeping in a while and I don't even know what caused it and now I'm scared about it happening again tonight. I mean, I had to have a nap today - yeah, I NAPPED. I never nap. I hate napping - but then there I was, me and the dog, napping:

me and puppy napping

My pillow was soaked in drool.

It could have been because I decided to watch a vampire movie after 10:30PM last night. It was 'Twilight' - FINALLY, LOOOOOOOVED it - which isn't meant to be a scary vampire movie at all, just gut wrenching and dreamy and lovely with a touch of disturbing and creepy, I just have a thing with vampires. Childhood fear. Did I mention that I am 26 years old and I am still afraid of the dark?

In any case, lately I've been getting to thinking about the advice that my old Prof gave me about writing every day until I figure out what I want to write about. I've been feeling a lot more anxious about this task. I still don't know what I'm meant to write about. When I was younger I used to write a lot of fantasy stories, but now that I'm older my writing is mainly just here and this is just ... well, it is what it is. I need to figure this stuff out.
lolamatopoeia: (Default)
I feel like hell. This has got to be up there with one of my worst period days in recent memory. This brings me back to the horrors of high school cycles when I usually had to stay home from school it was so bad. At least there's no vomiting and cold sweats this time. I have felt dizzy and nauseous and been in aching/sharp/whooshing/cyclic pain all friggin' day. It's unrelenting. It's hard to focus or even think. I'm dizzy because of the massive blood loss and the painkillers which are only dulling the pain and I'm weak and so so tired and out of my head.

Watched 'Flight of the Red Balloon' tonight. It's kind of a dreamy fade in, fade out, of a family situation in Paris. It's nicely done and sweet and engaging at times but I fell asleep for a bit in the beginning - a bit too much of a fade in, or maybe just too much blood loss. It's a nice movie though, it's just one of those slow-moving ones you have to be in the mood to appreciate. Regardless, Julette Binoche is fantastic as ever.

I've had nothing but weird dreams lately. I've had two dreams in the past few weeks that I am on a plane to New Zealand and have forgotten something, anything. The first time, I didn't have financing finished and tuition wasn't paid but classes were starting the next day and I was on the plane screaming to get off. The next dream was something similar but with a car (not being on one, but having forgotten one). Last night I had a dream that Tudor and I were in some sort of crappy George Lucas on George Lucas film where machines were hunting humans and we were some of the last ones left and then we got distracted by a swimming dog and Tudor got shot and then I volunteered to get shot along with him.

The other night I cried like a baby while watching elephants on television because I find it difficult to believe that such majestic, sensitive, wise, mythical and beautiful creatures exist on this earth.

I'm getting dizzier and weaker. I'm going to go pass out now.
lolamatopoeia: (Default)
I finally watched 'The Wrestler' last night. Wow. Incredible. I don't really have any way to describe it other than to steal from the description on the cover and tell you that it's a deeply affecting movie. It's one of those movies that stick with you for a while after seeing it. It is such a fantastically, wonderfully, constructed character study. I can't stop thinking about it, it's all over my head now, and it's good ... I haven't had this feeling for a film in a while. Mesmerized. It's beautiful and perfect. I can't even write about it anymore. Watch it. You will understand.

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Plans got cancelled for Valentine's day tonight. We were supposed to go to a burlesque show with friends, but tickets were sold out. It sucks since I haven't seen burlesque performed before and was looking forward to it - I bought bright red liptick for the show and everything! Ah well, I can always find somewhere else to wear it. Like EVERYWHERE!

I'm now spending Valentine's day having a 'laptop party' on my couch with my boyfriend and friend/housemate while watching episode after episode of 'Clone High'.

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My indecisiveness reared it's ugly head again today in the form of black dress shoes. The aim was to buy a cheap pair of black shoes for the show tonight and I couldn't decide so I bought both pairs I was contemplating and am going to make a decision in the next day or so and return one of them. One is a pair of black heels with a super pointy toe that apparently every girl should have but that I don't really feel comfortable in although my friends and also fashion shows would tell me otherwise. They're pretty and feminine, but they're just not me. The other pair are a pair of flats that are sort of like ballet slippers but that have a pointed (but not drastically pointed) toe. They're simple and comfortable in a dressy way. I feel more comfortable in them, but I'm thinking of just returning them and getting a better quality pair of loafers or mary janes that I can wear anytime (with black). All of this is just stupid though since both pairs cost less than twenty dollars.

I'm a terrible shopper since I tend to go with pure emotion and instinct with purchases. If I love it right away I buy it and don't need the opinion of anyone else. If I'm unsure about it at all I do things like I did today. I have this idea in my head that the clothes and accessories I buy say something about me as a person. I know, this is just wrong. I'm not vain, I'm not in to trends and fashion, I just still care too much about what other people think. It's embarrassing. The kicker is that I am also an incredibly lazy dresser and take about five minutes or less to get dressed in the morning. I don't want to think about it. If I let myself think about it too much I just get sweaty anxiety attacks. Self esteem issues? No!

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I had an odd, but vivid dream about typewriters last night. Multiple typewriters with separate keypads were available to me and they were beautiful. According to internet dream dictionaries this means that I should be a writer. I think I'll need more practice - a LOT more practice - to consider myself anywhere near that, ever. I think that I might just have a thing for typewriters.
lolamatopoeia: (Default)
I have been trying to read Henry Miller's "Tropic of Cancer" on and off for the past few weeks and I'm not sure if there's just something I'm not getting or that I haven't been focussed enough for it, but I ... I'm just not into it. It's not that it is bad, it's just that I'm feeling 'meh' about it. Reading it feels forced at this point. I'm not sure what it is about it that has put me off. Maybe it's that I had such high expectations, or maybe it's the style, I'm not sure. It feels somehow inaccessible. I'm not sure how to describe it. To be blunt, it feels as though I'm reading an oddly disjointed and aimless story revolving around an exclusive group/non-group of pretentious writers in Europe who just fuck and write and constantly reflect (coldy) on themselves and on writing in a dull and removed, self-revolving, style that is virtually unrelatable. Even the fucking is emotionless and unappealing. The writing feels elitist, inaccessible, and masturbatory (for the writer rather than the reader) and not in a good way.

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something. I'm probably missing something. Or, maybe I'm on to something.

In unrelated news, this week has been and continues to be busy. I'm spending time with friends, new and old. I'm going out, seeing new things, having fun, getting fresh air. I'm going to a burlesque show on Friday and I have nothing to wear! I'm not spending Friday night in thermal underwear! It is all very, very good. Busy is good.

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July 2009

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