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1. She's been rejected by every PhD program to which she applied.
2. She returned to her old school and saw old friends last week which reminded her of the inspiration and idealism she had back then and the resentful, machine-like, angry, soulless grad student she's become and it scared the crap right out of her.
3. Her doctor switched her birth control pills because of the sporadic bleeding (see nearly every post leading up to this) - random bleeding stopped, yaaayyy! - unfortunately they are also pills with a high dose of the crazy hormones. You know, the hormones that make you think paranoid thoughts, not want to leave the house, distort self-perception and self-worth, kill the sex drive, eat more, cry cry and cry. Yeah, those ones.
4. Fuck you, 'distances make the heart grow stronger', they just make you feel lonely. That's all. Lonely. Emails and phone calls can only do so much and can't ever replace the physical - the touch, the nearness, just having them there in front of you or holding you, or anything, just be here, damnit! I hate this city and that it's torn me away from everything/one I love and left me feeling empty.
5. She misses her dog.
Yes, I haven't blogged in nearly a month for all of those reasons. My entries would have only been full of whinging and complaints, paranoid thoughts, and insecurities, and I didn't want to waste the time writing that shit. I thought I'd just get it over with in one ridiculous post, here. Rejection affected me much more than I thought it would, and going back home to see my family and friends and my old school reminded me of a better state of mind. I need to get back to that and recover all that grad school has killed in me and uncover the positive things I know it's given me but that I just can't see yet. The pills I have to take to control my body spitting out its blood save me from anemia and uncontrollable bleeding but they fuck with my head and have made me manic and on the brink of tears all the time. Maybe it's just a rut.
I'll probably regret typing this entry. Buh. Ignore this. I'm going to go back to my chocolate pudding now in cry baby land. Laura just really needs a hug, and maybe a dog.
2. She returned to her old school and saw old friends last week which reminded her of the inspiration and idealism she had back then and the resentful, machine-like, angry, soulless grad student she's become and it scared the crap right out of her.
3. Her doctor switched her birth control pills because of the sporadic bleeding (see nearly every post leading up to this) - random bleeding stopped, yaaayyy! - unfortunately they are also pills with a high dose of the crazy hormones. You know, the hormones that make you think paranoid thoughts, not want to leave the house, distort self-perception and self-worth, kill the sex drive, eat more, cry cry and cry. Yeah, those ones.
4. Fuck you, 'distances make the heart grow stronger', they just make you feel lonely. That's all. Lonely. Emails and phone calls can only do so much and can't ever replace the physical - the touch, the nearness, just having them there in front of you or holding you, or anything, just be here, damnit! I hate this city and that it's torn me away from everything/one I love and left me feeling empty.
5. She misses her dog.
Yes, I haven't blogged in nearly a month for all of those reasons. My entries would have only been full of whinging and complaints, paranoid thoughts, and insecurities, and I didn't want to waste the time writing that shit. I thought I'd just get it over with in one ridiculous post, here. Rejection affected me much more than I thought it would, and going back home to see my family and friends and my old school reminded me of a better state of mind. I need to get back to that and recover all that grad school has killed in me and uncover the positive things I know it's given me but that I just can't see yet. The pills I have to take to control my body spitting out its blood save me from anemia and uncontrollable bleeding but they fuck with my head and have made me manic and on the brink of tears all the time. Maybe it's just a rut.
I'll probably regret typing this entry. Buh. Ignore this. I'm going to go back to my chocolate pudding now in cry baby land. Laura just really needs a hug, and maybe a dog.
