My day today

I've been working on this awful Statement of Intent for my PhD application all day today. It's bad, I mean really bad. Well, it's an excellent idea and concept but the application itself is just poorly executed and badly researched and I can't pretend that the committee won't see that.

The thing is, while I've been struggling to write this thing I've been having to stop myself from researching places to stay in New Zealand when I get there. As I was browsing through flats to rent in Canterbury I had to stop myself to ask 'What the hell am I doing?'. No, really - what the hell am I doing?

I went to a party (the annual Festivus party, yes it is as awesome as it sounds) last night with some great friends. I have great friends and I don't spend enough time with them having fun. I had fun, and I need to have fun and really truly enjoy the fun times more often.

I haven't been outside all day. I haven't breathed fresh air all day. The sun went up and it went down and I've been in my pajamas, tied to this proposal, locked away and full of anxiety all day. If by some weird twist of fate I actually get in to this program today is just a taste of what I would be facing for the next 4-7 years. What the hell am I doing?

All of this is telling me something, I know. I'm trying my best to listen.