lolamatopoeia

Lately, I've been:
- frequently camping out at school office for peace, quiet and tea.
- making new and great friends and spending time with my ever-lovely sister.
- getting depressed and anxious about the early acceptance letters to PhD programs sent to colleagues/friends/fellow students while my own mailbox remains empty.
- wishing I'd applied to the school which hates me in the city which I hate after witnessing such a huge beckoning/grab in apparently huge program here, at least for the sake of getting in somewhere rather than ending this life as someone's secretary or barista.
- eating discounted Valentine's Day remnants.
- missing cuddles and company, sleeping with a teddy bear and other manufactured mammals for comfort.
- accumulating my hatred for 18th century literature and asshat literary theory ever further.
- (not-so) secretly reading magic realist Canadian Lit. until 3AM when I should be working on presentations.
- sporadically allowing my mind to freak me out about the double-decker seminar presentations I have to perform on Monday and Tuesday, respectively.
- taking out frustrations on sweet and unassuming partner who deserves nothing but praise, support, laughter, kisses, smiles, bed days, and bathtime (among many other things, including woodland adventures!).
- not updating my weblog.

Today:
9:45AM
- Woke up feeling like death after passing out in reading not-so secret books in bed in the early morning.
- put on hat and clothes, biked to school in the rain.

10:30 - 11:30AM
- Met with Professor to talk about my upcoming presentation about cracks, big jugs, blouses and 'one flea spare'. Left her office with a book she loaned to me, knowing I'd met my newest feminist public performance-oriented academic role model.

11:30AM - 1:15PM
- Biked home in the rain in hopes of taking a nap upon couch. Once home, decided to eat junk food and stare into space(/the living room wall) instead.

1:20-2:20PM
- Biked to gynocologist since bloody sex and random cramping isn't as fun as it sounds. The doctor, nurse, and resident there were pleased to inform me (altogether now), after fiddling with and bruising my insides to the point of near tears yet again, that all of tests came up negativo and that the hole they'd cut out of me more than a month ago has (finally/actually) fully healed.  I raised my eyebrow at them, I did.

2:20PM - 4:20PM
- Gave myself a bit of a break. Realized that I'd informed my Professor that I wouldn't be able to attend her class that afternoon because of the expected length of today's appointment, and now that said appointment finished so very early I could actually go home and nap and/or wander around/make myself a healthy meal before my evening class.
- biked around downtown London in the rain because the thought of going to school or work was more depressing than failed presentations and dim futures. Flew by long-lost Meredith on the way.
- bought myself some spices, headbands, candy, cheap winter accessories (hat, scarf/tube like thing, fleece headband/tube like thing), and some slippers which were made to look like dead puppy dogs wearing sweaters.

4:30-6:30PM, 7-10PM
- Biked home in the rain wearing new winter accessories and carrying spices and puppies in a bag. Returned home to find roommates watching Oprah talk about racism, families, and make-up with her guests.
- cooked myself a great dinner for the first time in a long time - a slight replica of Nadine's lovely stirfry and spicy peanut noodles she made for us a few weeks ago.
- biked back to school to watch a movie at 7PM with the film class I assist in, hiding myself in my new hat and developing a slight arousal for handlebar mustaches.

10PM - present 
- Entered office and set up my desk for tea and presentation preparations. Put my feet inside the squishy fabric guts of puppies.
- distracted myself with the evils of wireless internet, pretending to work and feeling guilty about lack of productivity while the effects of little sleep started to set in.
- spilled (no, dumped) my full glass of tea all over the front of my workstation - my lap, my slippers, my books, my papers, my role model Professor's book, and my computer. Her book has little damage save a slight discolouration along the edge while my books are wrinkled, stained, and soaked through, and my computer is doing very troubling things (like retarding the functions of my touchy mouse pad thing and keeping the battery light on as charging when the machine has been plugged in for hours).
- I think it's time to go home.

Yesterday, with very little warning, a man with a power-gut and a last name that was Italian sliced out a piece of my cervix and I still don't know where exactly he put it. Of course, this was after he snort/giggled in agreement with me that 'Oh, this should be fun'.

I expected your average pap-scraping when I left the waiting room of screaming children, but what I got was that ordeal x100. I couldn't help but moan and whimper as the clamps used to pry me open began to bruise my insides and various probes had passed through.
'Are you alright?'
'No, it hurts'.
Swish swish, some solution was sprayed into me.
'Hey, do ya wanna see your cervix?'
'No, (whimper) not really', I replied.
I did manage to catch a glimpse though of the mysterious fleshy (odd and indescribable) internal mechanism on video display beside me before the man in green sliced a piece of my fleshy insides. He stuffed some coppery substance inside me before I was allowed to close my legs again and he left before I sat up and was able to tell the nurse, 'Ughhh, uhh, I'ma na feelin' soooo gooooo----". She ran out to get the towels and the juice.

The body is a strange thing. Apparently, it is a natural reaction for one to feel faint, dizzy, weak, nauseous and be in panicked cold sweats for a few hours after experiencing trauma to the cervix. Who knew? Certainly not me. It just doesn't make much sense to me, really.

I'm usually fine with these sorts of things, and so after the nurse let me lay down on the table for a while, drink some juice and take some deep breaths, I was a little embarrassed and ready to get out of there as soon as possible. I didn't expect to have to sit down halfway through putting my pants back on, but I shrugged it off.

The people in green came back to check on me and I cheerfully said my goodbyes and walked out of the office with my nose and chin upward-facing.

I almost made it to the elevator.

The walking somehow brought on the knees weakening and the walls blurring, the cold sweats and the pukes again, and I could no longer sustain my own weight. I found a chair in the hallway outside someone's office and sat/collapsed there for a while panting uncontrollably with my head against the wall, trying to make it go away, not understanding what was going on. A nurse walked by and stopped, aghast, when she saw me.
'Are you alright?'
'Yeah..I, Im fiine, I jus.."
'Do you have an appointment somewhere, or did you just come from one?'
'I jus came fro [points] ova theeeeeere... [arm goes limp]'
'Oh, I see. I'm going to go get someone from over there, but I might need to take you down to Emerg. You really don't look so good.'

The nurses came from down the hall, all remarking on how I 'don't look so good', and assuring me that this is the normal reaction from most women who get the procedure. 'Yeah, most of the time they faint just down the hall, right near these desks here...'

I spent the rest of the afternoon eating their cookies, drinking their juice, and reading their magazines in their Aerodynamics waiting room until I was able to walk more than a few feet on my own again. I biked myself home, wrapped myself in a blanket, and bled on the couch for the rest of the live-long day.

Sometimes, having a cervix really sucks. Like yesterday.
Now pity me, and buy me pretty things.