this is not an ending

[lolamatopoeia]

I submitted my acceptance to Nipissing last night. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am excited about this decision (or, rather, not as excited/exciting as I would be if I chose otherwise), but I know that it is the best option for me for many reasons. This has been, and is, tough for me.

I know that many of you will be disappointed in me for this and I would have loved to be in a spot where I could say to everyone 'fuck it all, I'm going to NZ anyway' but I can't. I'd love to be able to let all my friends and family, strangers and enemies, watch me take big risks in life but I have to do what works for me. It would have been great to wrap up this story of my desire for travel and teaching with an ending like 'and then she lived happily ever after by going to school in NZ after all' (heck, who wouldn't want to read that) but this is not the end of my story folks, this is just the beginning. I will now look forward to a full lifetime of teaching and travelling, and living and teaching in different lands.

One of my biggest goals in life is to live in a different country for at least a year, hopefully more, and I am still going to accomplish this goal. I have to. Although I had initially thought that going to school overseas was a good way to do this, it is not going to be the best way for me. I will teach in NZ (or even Australia or the UK) as soon as humanly possible when I am finished my training at Nipissing - that's a promise I've made to myself. I have to keep it. This is not the end of my story, this is just the beginning.

Regardless, I am still quitting my job and leaving on a jet plane for a trip to New Zealand in June (and tramping around NZ and AUS until the beginning of August).

I'm trying hard to stay positive, but so far I've been finding it pretty difficult. I woke up this morning and the first instinct I had was to think something about NZ like I have been doing for the past six months, just an automatic impulse I've made into a habit. It's a habit because this has been on my brain for so long while North Bay (or, Nort' Bey as the locals call it) has not. I do not want to be sad or regretful about this decision. It'll kill me. I need to be positive about this and I can't allow myself to look back on this in any negative way. I can't. This has to be a good thing. I can't allow myself to be sad about this. I can't handle being sad anymore. I am choosing, and trying hard, not to be sad. Your help, friends and strangers, would be appreciated right now. I'm feeling kind of fragile. I need positive thoughts and words and support and encouragment to make sure I don't look back and go into a negative space but keep looking forward to a bright and full future. This is not the end of my story. Be happy for me. I want to be happy. Thanks for all of your support.

Happy thoughts, please?

Comments

[ekaterinn.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know this was very difficult for you, but you seem relieved to have made the decision. I was going to comment again on the post before this monring - I was going to say that whether you go to NIP or NZ, you *will* be changed, simply by the process of becoming a teacher. In perhaps more subtle ways than living elsewhere might have done, but this as profound. I know I have.

(I also wanted to kind of apologise for coming down so hard on the side of meds. Deciding to take meds is a really personal choices, and if you can manage your depression in other ways, that's great. ^_^ Still think you should talk to someone, especially as you're about to make a big change in your life.)

And, finally, yay for going to NZ this summer! You're take lots of pictures, and send me a postcard, okay? *g*

[lolamatopoeia.livejournal.com]

*hugs right back* Thanks, Suze.

I know that things will change for the better either way. It's just tough for me right now to adjust my thinking to something other than going to NZ for school because I've been in this mindset for so so so long.

Also, I will do my best to use this opportunity to make necessary adjustments to my life and attitude and perspective. I wanted to go to NZ so badly because I think that somehow it will magically make me happy and fix everything in my life and that's just ... wrong. I need to do a lot of work on myself in the next while so that I can appreciate every day of my life no matter where I am in the world so that when I go travelling I will be able to enjoy it to its fullest potential rather than expect it to change me radically as a person. I mean, I know that travelling will give me excellent experience and adventures and new perspectives but the way I was building it up to encompass all of my hopes and dreams was not healthy.

Oh, and please don't feel the need to apologize about the meds thing. I have an appointment with my doctor at the beginning of May for my annual and I'm going to ask him to start prescribing me with some meds to try it out for a while. I have been trying to find ways to manage this on my own for years now and it's only been getting worse, so I think it's time. I'm tired of seeing everything through such a haze. I know meds aren't going to solve everything for me either, but they could be the help I need for a while.

Oh, and I know - NZ this summmer! In the Australasian winter, haha! Ah well, honestly I don't care if it rains the whole time - I'm going. Now to plan the trip and also plan to see da bears in Nort'Bey when I get back!

[heavenlyevil]

Stay positive! It's good that you have made a choice and are willing to stick with it. The hard part now is changing your point-of-view so that you can become excited about going to Nipissing. You're already on the way to change just by going ahead and doing something.

You're going to be fine and have a lot of fun learning new things. Plus then you'll be able to teach and inspire other people, wherever you go. It'll be awesome.

[lolamatopoeia.livejournal.com]

Thanks Kathy :). This is definitely the kicker - changing my point of view about it, but I can tell you that even after a day of working on it I'm starting to feel a bit better about it. Also, I am so so excited about a much better, much more fulfilling and enriching, career future!

[adventureman.livejournal.com]

Adventure Man! will feel happy for you!

Way to make the decision that's best for you!

[lolamatopoeia.livejournal.com]

Yay! Aw, thanks Phil (I mean, Adventure Man!) :)

Also, YAY for you and Danielle going on adventures in Alberta! Yay yay triple yay!

[iamnotagroupie.livejournal.com]

*positive happy thoughts! and lots of smiles and warmth*

I'm so happy you finally made a decision, and really you're getting the best of both worlds: Your education in a new place to change things up AND the chance to explore NZ (without the added debt-load).

So so happy for you. :)

[lolamatopoeia.livejournal.com]

Thanks Stacey! Thank you thank you thank you - I can feel the good vibes already :)