lolamatopoeia

Thank goodness we have only one more night here. It's not that Bangkok is a bad city, it's just that I don't think that I have spent this much time in any big city ever. I don't feel comfortable in big cities, at all.

Today has been a big struggle for me. I broke down today. Today has been a bad day. I ended up paying 500 baht for a phone call to my bank, where I was mainly on hold the whole twenty minutes, just to find out that they have no partner banks in Thailand or anywhere in South East Asia and that they couldn't help me or advice me on the best way to get Canadian traveller's cheques while I am overseas. Awesome. The tears started welling up a bit as I handed over the baht to the guest house manager for the phone call, and became uncontrollable as I explained to Bianca why I was so flustered. I felt like a child as I couldn't stop crying about the situation that really wasn't about the situation at all. The situation is fixable. I'll learn, it's fixable, but when it comes down to it I think I'm just getting really emotional about this fear of failure I'm having. I was told by my parents and Tudor before I left that if I'm miserable in Canada I'll be miserable anywhere else and that I'll be alone and crying in a corner some time during my trip. Well, yeah. I'm struggling. I cried in a corner and I felt miserable. Things are fine, but I'm not.

I knew, going into this, that it would be a process for me. I came here because there are things that I don't like about my personality and way of life that I knew I couldn't change by just staying in my situation. I came here because I know that I am not a strong person, and I would like to be a strong person. I came here to be more independent and adaptable and strong and confident. I am currently none of these things, although I so desperately want to be. I knew that this would be a struggle in changing myself through this journey, but it's one thing to anticipate that struggle and another to actually go through it. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll never be the strong and adaptable traveller that I've always wanted to be because lately all I want is to go home. I want my Daddy. I want my dog and I want my boyfriend and my friends and my bed and my tv and I want potatoes and not living out of a backpack and sweating standing still and I want comfort and familiar sights and faces. I'm scared. I know that it's all because I'm just scared and that I am not actually going to run home. I've committed to this, but I feel like a child right now. I'm growing up through this trip, and that is what I wanted, but it is much more painful than I thought it would be.

Today has been a bad day. I hope that tomorrow will be much better. Especially for the sake of my travel partner and everyone around me.

It will work out. I will just have to decide whether it's better to go to a bank and get the rest of the money I budgeted for this trip out in canadian and convert it to traveller's cheques (so that I can safely travel with them and just exchange them as I go) or if I should do the original plan which was to take out local currency from atm's in whatever country I go to along the way. I don't know yet. I don't know that I will know what is best, but I'm just going to have to do one of them and deal with it. Like a big girl.

We are off to Chiang Mai tomorrow, which is such a f**king good thing. I am so ready for a more laid back atmosphere I could cry (again). I think that's part of the reason that I am struggling so much - I hate being in a big city. It's too much. The city is dirty and hot and wet and smelly. I'm tired of cramped and crowded streets where there are random drips coming down on your head and random smelly puddles and piles of dog shit and garbage and drivers and random people constantly shouting things at you on the street. I am tired of the wafts of garbage and shit and urine mixed with food smells and exhaust. I am tired of being constantly worried about hands dipping into my backpack and about bumping into people and being bumped into and not being able to breathe. I'm exhausted by this city. I need mountains and greenery and clean air. I also want to get over this urge I'm having to retreat and go home to my Mommy. I'm 27 years old and I still feel like a child.