things like this should be easy
Apr. 11th, 2009 09:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lolamatopoeiaToday has been a bad day for me, emotionally. I had some odd dreams last night associated with the upcoming decision and just everything about this whole situation is making me feel so fucking down. I know that I should be looking at the positives and how I've been accepted everywhere (well, except the PhD) but for me this makes things worse - I would have been better off being rejected by all but one. I am not good with decisions, especially potentially life changing ones.
Today I have been thinking seriously about going back on medication for my depression. I'm not doing too well with myself lately.
Every time I think about just stopping all of this madness and going with Nipissing since it will be the best of both worlds in the long run, I get so so utterly fucking depressed. It's not the 'you've only got one life to live/great risks great rewards' kind of mentality I want to attain. With Nipissing, I feel that my life will always stay the same, nothing will ever change and I'll be telling my kids one day about that time I could have gone to New Zealand and didn't.
Every time I think of just throwing all caution to the wind and going to New Zealand though, I get terrified of the more tangible things like the fact that the extra money (15-20 GRANDE to be exact) will take me an EXTRA 4-6 years to pay off (on top of the 2-3 it would take me to pay off a Nipissing degree, in comparison), and the roadblocks that are going to be put up for me back here in North America because I chose NZ for my training rather than Ontario. Also, the 'great risk, great rewards' mentality doesn't really work out since it's not a risk I'm taking here, it's a definite fact that going to NZ will cost me an extra 15-20 grande. Yes, I would have an amazing experience - I have no doubt about that - but I could also save that money and go to NZ for a year and just bum around for that price tag. It's still, I just, I just can't let it go. I'm scared that if I don't go NOW I never will.
Everything feels so now or never, do or die, fork in the road, paths in the woods, crossroads, etc. and I can't escape it. It's in every one of my thoughts in every minute of the day. I can't sleep and when I do sleep it's in my dreams. If I go by the 'no regrets' policy then obviously I would just fuck it all and get on the plane to Australasia right now, no question. Who wouldn't? But this is school, this is my future, and I may just have to grow up and make an 8 month sacrifice to make a good future for myself. Maybe that's part of the lesson that I need to get out this - that I need to appreciate what I've actually got rather than trying to escape all of the time. God, I just feel so gutted about this whole thing, either way.
I'm sorry that I keep posting about this, I'm sorry. I just have no one else to talk to about it anymore since I've been talking the ears off of my friends and family for months now and they don't want to hear it anymore.
Every day I can feel myself getting older and I feel like I'm wasting away. I'm already feeling like I'm 65 years old and looking back on my life with so much regret. I'm so tired of being so sad. I'm so tired of wasting my life being so sad. I'm sad all the time and I can't escape it anymore. I'm just so sad and sick of myself and sick of being so sad. I need to start using this life to actually live but I don't know how to stop being so sad.
Today I have been thinking seriously about going back on medication for my depression. I'm not doing too well with myself lately.
Every time I think about just stopping all of this madness and going with Nipissing since it will be the best of both worlds in the long run, I get so so utterly fucking depressed. It's not the 'you've only got one life to live/great risks great rewards' kind of mentality I want to attain. With Nipissing, I feel that my life will always stay the same, nothing will ever change and I'll be telling my kids one day about that time I could have gone to New Zealand and didn't.
Every time I think of just throwing all caution to the wind and going to New Zealand though, I get terrified of the more tangible things like the fact that the extra money (15-20 GRANDE to be exact) will take me an EXTRA 4-6 years to pay off (on top of the 2-3 it would take me to pay off a Nipissing degree, in comparison), and the roadblocks that are going to be put up for me back here in North America because I chose NZ for my training rather than Ontario. Also, the 'great risk, great rewards' mentality doesn't really work out since it's not a risk I'm taking here, it's a definite fact that going to NZ will cost me an extra 15-20 grande. Yes, I would have an amazing experience - I have no doubt about that - but I could also save that money and go to NZ for a year and just bum around for that price tag. It's still, I just, I just can't let it go. I'm scared that if I don't go NOW I never will.
Everything feels so now or never, do or die, fork in the road, paths in the woods, crossroads, etc. and I can't escape it. It's in every one of my thoughts in every minute of the day. I can't sleep and when I do sleep it's in my dreams. If I go by the 'no regrets' policy then obviously I would just fuck it all and get on the plane to Australasia right now, no question. Who wouldn't? But this is school, this is my future, and I may just have to grow up and make an 8 month sacrifice to make a good future for myself. Maybe that's part of the lesson that I need to get out this - that I need to appreciate what I've actually got rather than trying to escape all of the time. God, I just feel so gutted about this whole thing, either way.
I'm sorry that I keep posting about this, I'm sorry. I just have no one else to talk to about it anymore since I've been talking the ears off of my friends and family for months now and they don't want to hear it anymore.
Every day I can feel myself getting older and I feel like I'm wasting away. I'm already feeling like I'm 65 years old and looking back on my life with so much regret. I'm so tired of being so sad. I'm so tired of wasting my life being so sad. I'm sad all the time and I can't escape it anymore. I'm just so sad and sick of myself and sick of being so sad. I need to start using this life to actually live but I don't know how to stop being so sad.
