things like this should be easy

[lolamatopoeia]

Today has been a bad day for me, emotionally. I had some odd dreams last night associated with the upcoming decision and just everything about this whole situation is making me feel so fucking down. I know that I should be looking at the positives and how I've been accepted everywhere (well, except the PhD) but for me this makes things worse - I would have been better off being rejected by all but one. I am not good with decisions, especially potentially life changing ones.

Today I have been thinking seriously about going back on medication for my depression. I'm not doing too well with myself lately.



Every time I think about just stopping all of this madness and going with Nipissing since it will be the best of both worlds in the long run, I get so so utterly fucking depressed. It's not the 'you've only got one life to live/great risks great rewards' kind of mentality I want to attain. With Nipissing, I feel that my life will always stay the same, nothing will ever change and I'll be telling my kids one day about that time I could have gone to New Zealand and didn't.

Every time I think of just throwing all caution to the wind and going to New Zealand though, I get terrified of the more tangible things like the fact that the extra money (15-20 GRANDE to be exact) will take me an EXTRA 4-6 years to pay off (on top of the 2-3 it would take me to pay off a Nipissing degree, in comparison), and the roadblocks that are going to be put up for me back here in North America because I chose NZ for my training rather than Ontario. Also, the 'great risk, great rewards' mentality doesn't really work out since it's not a risk I'm taking here, it's a definite fact that going to NZ will cost me an extra 15-20 grande. Yes, I would have an amazing experience - I have no doubt about that - but I could also save that money and go to NZ for a year and just bum around for that price tag. It's still, I just, I just can't let it go. I'm scared that if I don't go NOW I never will.

Everything feels so now or never, do or die, fork in the road, paths in the woods, crossroads, etc. and I can't escape it. It's in every one of my thoughts in every minute of the day. I can't sleep and when I do sleep it's in my dreams. If I go by the 'no regrets' policy then obviously I would just fuck it all and get on the plane to Australasia right now, no question. Who wouldn't? But this is school, this is my future, and I may just have to grow up and make an 8 month sacrifice to make a good future for myself. Maybe that's part of the lesson that I need to get out this - that I need to appreciate what I've actually got rather than trying to escape all of the time. God, I just feel so gutted about this whole thing, either way.



I'm sorry that I keep posting about this, I'm sorry. I just have no one else to talk to about it anymore since I've been talking the ears off of my friends and family for months now and they don't want to hear it anymore.

Every day I can feel myself getting older and I feel like I'm wasting away. I'm already feeling like I'm 65 years old and looking back on my life with so much regret. I'm so tired of being so sad. I'm so tired of wasting my life being so sad. I'm sad all the time and I can't escape it anymore. I'm just so sad and sick of myself and sick of being so sad. I need to start using this life to actually live but I don't know how to stop being so sad.

Comments

[iamnotagroupie.livejournal.com]

sorry to creep into your livejournal, but we have met once in the past so i'm not a total stranger.

i just wanted to send some positive energy your way.

and toss out an idea of going to nippising but taking an extended vacation in NZ. it would cost more than going to nippising alone, but likely less than studying in NZ. you could take time before going to nippising and see what you want to see in NZ, wander and explore for a while.

i'm sure you've thought of this on your own, just tossing in my (unsolicited) two cents.

~stacey

[lolamatopoeia.livejournal.com]

Hi Stacey! Good to hear/read from you again! Sorry though that the first I hear from you in a while is through such a downer of a post ... thank you for the positive energy though :)

Yeah, I wasn't seriously thinking of bumbing around NZ for a year after Nip and blowing 20 grande on that - I was just tossing it out there more to illustrate what a HUGE chunk of cash that is. I mean, for that extra 15-20 thousand dollars I could do a LOT of travelling.

I am seriously thinking of going to NZ in June regardless of the decision, and regardless of the fact that it will be their wintertime. I don't think that I will be able to live with myself or get it out of my system in any capacity if I don't. I have thought about planning a trip elsewhere this summer, but everything else won't satiate me. I'll have saved up about 4 grande by then, savings I was planning as a buffer for schooling in NZ, and I could use a good portion of that to do a good tour of NZ and AUS for a month or a little more before I come back and go to Nipissing. Maybe then I could go to Nipissing and live with my decision, hopefully.

Two cents are always welcome :).

[marathoner452.livejournal.com]

It's a major life decision and I think you're right to be thinking it through so carefully. And even if you choose to stay closer to home you can always visit New Zealand.

I do what you're doing too so I know some of what it feels like; sometimes I can't even choose between plain and blueberry pancakes so major life decisions can be well nigh unto impossible.

[lolamatopoeia.livejournal.com]

Ha! Aw, thanks. This whole quarterlife crisis thing has been going on for about a year, and it's made even the slightest decision absolutely painful for me - I took a good 3-6 months to choose a case for my ipod, I returned 3 pairs of shoes to try to find the best ones (and still don't wear the ones I kept), and I'm currently also facing a dilemma about what to do with my hair. I'm starting to think that I"m either an insane and ridiculous person or that I'm going through something serious here and it's affecting all parts of my life.

I will definitely be in NZ at some point, regardless. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. The thing is, I don't just want to visit NZ, I want to live and work/go to school there for at least a year. I have always wanted to live in a different country for at least a year or two at some point in my life, and I feel like my time is running out to do something like this. I think that the only thing that may satiate me, if I chose Nipissing, is if I travel to NZ for a month or so this summer and then make sure that I go over there to teach for a year or two as soon as possible after I get trained.

I don't know why I keep feeling like I have to do something so completely drastic for my life to change.

[ekaterinn.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. For what it's worth, I think Nipissing would be better in the long run, both for teaching in more places and from a debt prospect. (Though I do recongise the lure of going off and being in a completely new place!) And the international placement option sounds like a great way to have your cake and eat it too. *g* (And I could visit this summer if you're still in Canada!)

But what I really wanted to comment on was this:

I'm so tired of being so sad. I'm so tired of wasting my life being so sad. I'm sad all the time and I can't escape it anymore. I'm just so sad and sick of myself and sick of being so sad. I need to start using this life to actually live but I don't know how to stop being so sad.

Because, whoa, that's exactly how I felt a year and a half ago. And I was going to be broke for the rest of my life and retail sucked, but I wasn't cut out for anything else and I was so sad.

Also, lots and lots of suicidal ideation. So, yeah, depression is not a nice place to visit, and you definitely don't want to live there.

And I know you didn't have the best experience with the meds you were on in undergrad, but my Paxil quite literally saved my life. It's been several years, and there's a few more different antidepressants around now. It might be worth explaining to your doctor the side effects you had with your undergrad meds and asking her if she can recommend another kind. It might take some playing around with different meds and/or dosages, but it could really pay off. (I.e., 10 mg of Paxil works wonders for me, but I get highly nauseous at 20 mg).

Because I recognize the circular thinking you're posting about above as something I do a lot when I'm depressed. And I think if your biochemistry was straightened out, you'll feel a lot better about whatever choice you end up making. *hugs*

[lolamatopoeia.livejournal.com]

Thanks Suze. The worst of it is that I know, I mean I KNOW for certain that Nipissing will be best in the long run, and I know that realistically it will work out well if I go there (especially including going on a trip to NZ beforehand, doing the international placement, and teaching in NZ straight afterwards). It's just hard to get over this romanticized idea I've had in my head for so long about flying off to NZ, starting over, changing my life, discovering new worlds, exploring new possibilities, living without regrets, etc. and all that idealism. Problem is, the people that usually tell me such ideals are loaded with money or something. Ugh, fuck I don't know.

Also, yeah, speaking of escaping, I'm sick of living in depression land. I've been looking back on my life and I'm realizing that the regrets I have aren't about lost opportunities or anything like that but they're more about not appreciating what I have when I've had it - not seizing moments or appreciating all of the life and all of the good things I've been given to experience and love ... and I've been wasting it for so long with being so utterly sad about everything.

And see, yeah, that's the problem too - the circular thinking where I know this whole thing will also just end up with me being miserable with whatever decision I make - if I go to Nipissing it'll mean I'll be regretful about not taking a chance and going to NZ and I'll be miserable about that, and if I go to NZ I'll be so worried about money I won't be able to enjoy myself on top of regretting the massive debt load five years down the road when I am still paying for it.

I think I will make an appointment to see the doctor. I need to go in for a check up sometime soon anyway, so this is worth the ask. Things have become unmanageable and I'm tired of not being able to see things clearly. I know it won't help me make a decision, but it would help with what I really need right now - being happy with myself, whatever happens.

I'm glad you've found what works for you :).

[adventureman.livejournal.com]

I was lying in bed thinking about this last night, and came to a conclusion I'm not sure you'll like.

My initial thought had been that you should go to Nipissing for teacher's college, but visit New Zealand this summer. That came up a few times as a viable option which would let you have both the adventure of travel and the safety and benefits of school here in Ontario.

The more I thought about it, the less appealing that seemed. Going on a trip somewhere, even if it's a big, long, extended trip, will never be the same as living there. Going to New Zealand to live and study is the sort of thing that's not likely to come up again in your life unless you really push it. And once you've already gone to teacher's college and started working and living and settling down, chances are you aren't really going to push for that kind of adventure for a long time.

This could be your last chance to be a young person studying abroad.

Here's the thing about going to Nipissing:
It's probably the smart thing to do. You'll spend less to do it. You'll be more likely to get a good job when you're done.
It's fucking boring.
You've got a whole lifetime ahead of you to make smart, reasonable, boring choices.

Go to New Zealand.
Please.
Be a fun, exciting, world-traveling student while you've still got the chance. Tell your kids one day about this awesome time when you lived on the other side of the world.

[lolamatopoeia.livejournal.com]

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

And I was lying in bed last night trying to suppress the distinct fear I have that the reason I'm having so much trouble with this is because I know that going to NZ for school right now is going to be the only thing that satisfies me. I'm so terrified of that fact and so afraid to admit it to myself (even though I just did). It's the only thing that's going to nullify regret, and I'm so tired of regretting so many things.

This sucks, this really really sucks because why does it have to be that the only thing that's going to satisfy me right now is spending an extra 20 grande? I know that people will say it's just money and I'll kick myself when I look back on this and tell me kids I didn't go because of the money but I can't, I mean I absolutely cannot afford this. It's a bank loan, I don't actually have the money for this and it's going to cost me an EXTRA 4 or 5 years of debt repayment. That's about 6-7 years of debt repayment just for 1 year of school fun. I'm having a hard time justifying that to myself.

Fuck.

At the same time though, I know you're right - I may never have this opportunity again and no alternative I take will be quite the same. Deep down, I know that and deep down I know that I should not be compromising on this one. I need the huge drastic change and I need to live in another part of the world and not compromise.

I can't afford it though. When it comes down to it, it's too much of a stretch and the only people I know who have done this successfully have either had their parents pay for it or they have had no other choice (didn't get in to Teachers College in Ontario) so they had to go - I'm paying for all of this on my own, and I have an option where I'll get a better respected degree and it'll cost me less than half to do it.

Still, that doesn't change the fact that I will never get this out of my head.

Fuck. I'm feeling sick over this.

[rasiya.livejournal.com]

You shouldn't be sorry for posting about this- it's completely understandable that it would be on your mind so much. It is a huge decision.

I don't have any real, solid advice, I guess, if only because I don't really think it's a great idea to advise someone about huge life changes very often. That being said, if I can offer anything by way of personal experience: there are a lot of things that I regret because I went the route which seemed safer and easier- it was never a 'bad' choice, as such, it's just that I have regrets. That being said, you're likely to have regrets whatever you do. I think, in making any decision, the most important thing to consider is your own emotional/mental health and happiness. We put a huge amount of stock into practical/physical realities (work options etc etc), however, at the end of the day I think you should do whichever will bring you the most happiness. But, as I say, that's just me and I will be quite honest and say that I'm writing this from a position of relative comfort and safety, which probably makes it comparitively 'easy' to take this approach.

Whichever way you go, good luck. *hugs*

[lolamatopoeia.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks. It's actually a little uncanny how some of the advice you've just given is what I have only slowly been starting to figure out for myself through this process. My partner actually said a lot of similar things this morning as I bawled and bawled about how much truth there is to adventureman (above)'s response (sorry Phil, it touched a nerve and made me cry like a baby because you did write a lot of truth, but don't feel bad, honestly). I kept repeating to Tudor about how I'll always regret it if I don't go and my future kids will be ashamed of me and that I NEED to go to NZ so that I can change my life and get a new start and stop being so fucking miserable all of the time. His response was that I'm going about this in totally the wrong way - no matter what place I go to, whether it be NZ or North Bay or Guatemala or down the street I will still be miserable because the problems that I am having that are making me so miserable right now are about me not being happy with MYSELF and being in a different place is not going to change that. I mean, I really wanted to punch him in the face when he said this to me as a bawled my eyes out, mourning the idea that all of my hopes and dreams and sense of worth rare wrapped up in this destination. The more I thought about it today, the more I know he's at least a little bit right - I've been looking at NZ as primarily an escape and I've been held up by this idea that going there will change who I am and magically make me not so depressed all the time when really, that's unrealistic (not to mention a little unhealthy).

NZ will absolutely bring me the most 'happiness', at least for now, in the short term - but Nipissing will provide the opportunities I need for the most long term happiness, the way I see it. Or, maybe it's the opposite. I don't know. What is happiness anyway? I've never felt 'happy' for any sort of long period of time.

Tonight at Easter dinner my brother even confirmed this quite succinctly by just saying 'You know, knowing you you're going to be miserable if you go and miserable if you stay so does it really matter?' Again, I kind of wanted to punch him in the face too, but deep down I know he's right. I carry regrets with me like burdens and heavy weights on my shoulders, and it cripples me more frequently than I'd like to admit. I have so much regret. I carry it with me. I know that I will regret whatever decision I make and that's not so much an indicator of a right choice/wrong choice negotiation but more of a red flag telling me that I need to find better ways to manage these feelings and learn to live with my choices in healthy and positive ways. I mean, I've carried grudges and regrets with me STILL from elementary school!

I will travel. I have to make a promise to myself that if I don't go to NZ for school that I will, no excuses, no backing out at any point, make it happen to teach abroad (in either NZ, Aus, or the UK) for at least one year as soon as I am finished at Nipissing. I would not be able to live with myself, or my decision, if I don't. It's one of my goals in life to live in a different country for at least a year. I thought that going to school in NZ would be the easy answer, but it's not reasonable financially for me. No matter how I cut it, it's just not. Maybe if I had someone else footing the bill or if I had no other choices then this would be easier, but as my sister said tonight at Easter in reaction to people telling me 'no regrets, you've got one life,' etc, realistically and honestly, when the cards are down, if they were in my shoes right now they would choose Nipissing and they know it. Bah! Still, I can't live with myself or the decision to let go of NZ for now (and it's magical life changing effects) if I don't go for a trip down under this summer as well as, no ifs ands or buts, teach there for a year at least as soon as my training is done here. I need to be held to it. Hey, do you think I can buy a plane ticket a year in advance? ;)