lolamatopoeia

I had an appointment today with my gynecologist scheduled for 1:15pm. Since I won't be out of my apartment for the next few days (in lieu of essay cramming) I decided that I would also pick up an early graduation present for myself at my favourite woman-owned, women-run, women-friendly, women-centred sex shop, Libido. If you're ever in London, I highly recommend it. They only sell the best quality stuff, they'll talk to you for as long as you'd like and help you find the product that is best for you. All of their products are out on display so you can see and touch them and it's a generally very warm and friendly atmosphere. I've always left there with a smile, and I've never felt dirty and in need of a shower after walking away (unlike with some places, ahem, Stag Shop, fucking hell). In any case, I had a great chat with the owner for a while, we held some dildos together, then she wrapped up my new friend in wine-coloured tissue and placed it in a gold bag. I walked out a very happy woman as I headed for my appointment.

I got lost in the hospital hallways again looking for my doctor. When I finally got there I ended up sitting in the waiting room for an hour with ten other women watching television since he was late. It wasn't so bad, for a while the channel was on Antiques Roadshow, which is kickass. When the nurse called my name and led me into the next room (the one with the stirrups), where she ordered me to take off my pants, I told her that I wanted to get a chance to ask the doctor about birth control options since I am hoping to get off of hormonal birth control soon. I'd rather not have synthetic hormones going through my system (and producing chemical withdrawal bleeding instead of an actual period), and I'd like to talk about my options.

Fine, good. My pot-bellied doctor and his two young clean-shaven Med students walk in a few minutes later - the Med students lean against the wall, my doctor sits near my feet, and I, bare-assed on the table with my feat resting on the stirrups, start talking about birth control.

I explain to him that I'd rather not be on hormones anymore because I am concerned with what they are doing to my body. I went on them originally both because my periods were horrendous and because it seemed to be the easiest method of contraception when I became sexually active. Now I am concerned that these chemicals may be merely covering up what was causing my excessive bleeding and not fixing the (possibly serious) problem, and I have to believe that there must be some other form of preventing babies that won't wreck havoc on my body. I am, however, nervous because the pill has been so easy and effective in the whole no-baby department and it will be odd to go back to condoms when I am in a long-term monogamous relationship but just don't want kids right now. I'll likely get a diaphragm to use as back-up because I am paranoid, but I have also heard some things about IUD's (even though right now, they really kind of scare me).

"Have you had kids?"
"No"
"Oh, well then I wouldn't recommend an IUD - if you get an infection with one it could go into your ovaries and damage your ability to reproduce, so I wouldn't give it to someone whose fertility hadn't been tested."
"Oh, ok. Yeah, I was just kind of scared of that also b/c I've heard that the non-hormonal one can make you bleed even heavier on your period, and that's something I'd like to avoid".
"Yep"
"Also, my Mom got one put in before she had me and it ended up tearing through her womb, causing her to hemorrhage, and the doctors eventually found it after fishing through her intestines on the operating table".
"That's just weird".
"Is it? Alright, so I guess what you're saying is that my only choice outside of hormonal birth control are condoms and diaphragms?"
"Yep. (leans back and crosses arms) You also have to remember that condoms and diaphragms have about a 10% failure rate, while the pill has about a 1% failure rate, so that's also something you'd have to consider."
"But I don't want the hormones"
"Yes, well..."
"Coupling condoms and a diaphragm together though would help close that gap, though, right? Also, I was thinking of also using the Fertility Awareness Method in addition to the barrier methods"
"Yeah, the Catholics like that method because it has a 40% failure rate, hyuk hyuk".
"Hmm, alright (holding back tears of frustration). So, I guess, as far as the wacky menstrual cycle stuff goes then, I was planning on trying to balance it holistically with things like diet, exercise and vitamins/supplements, etc, so that should work alright, yes?"
"Yeah, lots of women go off the pill and they forget what their real periods were like, but then they soon go back on it again once they realize what they're up against (smirk)".
"(smile to hide depression, frustration and anger)"
"Oh, also - I think I have a tilted uterus, and ..."
"So?"
"So I'm worried about the effectiveness of the diaphragm with that"
"Nah, I wouldn't worry about that. It doesn't matter. I can get you fitted for a diaphragm here ..."
"I'm moving to Guelph next month"
"Oh, well then you can get it fitted in Guelph - any doctor there can do it, it's not that hard."
"Oh."

Soon he has me spreading my legs at the knees and he's shoved a speculum and a camera up inside me so his Med students can take a look at my cervix as well on the video screen. I can't watch. The procedure always hurts and I try to laugh with them at their jokes to get over the pain. They speak about my womb in medical terms I don't understand and ask me to close my legs. 'All done', the doctor says, throwing the bloody speculum in the waste bin.

"You know, they have a great Stag Shop right across from one of the hotels in Guelph, if you ever need to ... I mean not that I would know", he says with a grin and a laugh. Stunned silence. The Med students chuckle. "Oh, ha ha," I nervously let out a laugh, "is that right?" He and the rest of the doctors leave chuckling amongst themselves. The door closes and I pull up my pants.

I really need to get myself a female gynecologist (or at least someone who's not such a dick).