lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
I've been maintaining a google doc spreadsheet of 'things to do' and 'things to bring' for my SE Asia trip and have slowly been checking things off. Ah, spreadsheets and lists and checkmarks. So satisfying for my slightly a-type tendencies (probably ingrained from my administrative day job). Things are slowly getting done. I get my shots next week, and I've just got to send in some school things, get medical insurance, free up some financing and get the rest of my gear. I'm starting to get pretty excited, and pretty damn scared too. Woo! ?

___________

In other scary news, the sweet dog we're dogsitting for some sweet owners this summer took a chunk out of my arm this morning. Apparently, smiling and petting him on the head while he sits on the top of the stairs makes him go from zero to bite your bicep in nano seconds because I didn't see that one coming. That sucked, and it still sucks because my arm is really really fucking sore and bleedy and I've never been afraid of dogs before but this one's just ... unpredictable. Tudor and I have been reading up on this behaviour, since his snapping at us has been pretty random and scary and weird, and apparently this kind of behaviour is pretty common with the breed. It's not his fault, he's a great dog. It sucks. I'm just keeping my distance and not giving him free pets anymore. His teeth just kinda scare me right now.

Don't worry though, Phil and Danielle. I'm ok, and we still love Rufus.

____________

I finally broke my reader's block a few weeks back with the help of Neil Gaiman. I finally picked up some of his work and I love it. Love it.

____________

I've been thinking a little lately about what I want to do and where I want to be eventually, and I've been circling more and more around this image I have of myself where I'm doing something creative, where I'm my own boss, either writing or painting or making things with my hands, somewhere surrounded or near to farm fields and within a safe distance where I can bike into/around a little village, or reasonably sized city full of culture and character, where I live out the rest of my life telling (or writing) stories about all of the places I've been and the things that I've seen. I've got kids, and animals, a house I take care of, excellent friends who visit often and family within a good distance (or at least close to the heart). My house is an open door and I entertain and laugh often. I get excited and inspired by things around me and things I imagine. I write, I create, I get involved in my life and with others. I'm active. I make a name for myself. The sun shines. I love and am loved. I know that all of that might seem a bit silly and idealistic, or, I don't know. That's just my idea of happiness, and I've got to do my part to try to achieve some of that.

______________

Oh, and I gave my notice on Thursday! Yeah, I know! It was really awkward for me, and I wish that I would have done it sooner since my supervisor was really good about it. It would have been good of me to have given her more notice, but I didn't even know my realy plans until a few weeks ago. We're going to make the official announcement to the rest of the office at our next meeting on June 5th, so she asked me not to tell anyone else until then. Argh. It's all a bit odd now since I've told a few people in the office already (or told them months ago) but they don't know that anyone else knows and so on and the rumours are starting to trickle around. It's all very awkward. I think I've got a lot to learn about professional integrity after this. I've also got a lot more of getting back some confidence, assertiveness, adaptability, and self respect after this. In any case, two weeks to go at the office though, hey hey!
lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
This weekend, we (me, Tudor, and the dogs) made the long trip up to North Bay. I wanted to check out the town and the university campus, but the main goal this weekend was to find a place for me to stay this Fall. I needed that out of the way since I'll be leaving on my trip soon and won't be coming back until mid August or so. Speaking of the trip, I really need to plan that. It turns out that I'll be going to SE Asia with a friend after all - that means I need to get shots and gear and finances lined up and plans. Ah!

Anyway, the weekend )

Right now, unfortunately, I'm sick. I've been sick on and off this weekend and it really kicked in when we got home yesterday. Being sick right now just ticks me off more than anything because I've got so so much to do. Soooooo much to do!

an update

Apr. 27th, 2009 11:13 pm
lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
So for some reason I haven't posted anything in a while. I'm not sure why I've been silent but it's likely a good thing - I've been processing the big old decision and figuring a lot of things out. I'm OK with the decision, I really am, I'm actually getting excited about Nipissing in the Fall. I do still have these little waves of doubt from time to time, to be completely honest, and I am worried about regret, but I know that all of that negative is up to me to fix. Right now is the complicated stuff though - I'm dealing with a lot of the same panicked quarterlife crisis feelings I've been experiencing for nearly a year now except that now I'm feeling a lot more urgency with the whole thing. I just don't know what to do with that urgency yet. I definitely want to go on a long trip this summer and I'm still so fixated on NZ so I think it would be good for me to go and just get it out of my system (even though it'll be winter there), but then I'm thinking I could also seize an opportunity to save a lot of money on a trip by going to Iceland instead. Or, I don't know. I think I may just need to freaking go and get it over with for gods' sake.

By extension, I'm figuring out that I've got to spend more of my time doing things that I love doing. What drives me crazy with joy and happiness and jealousy, and what I see as true success and happiness, is being able to at least support yourself by doing something you absolutely love doing and are good at. I've spent too much time watching people make something of themselves in this way and not enough time actually doing the small things I need to do to make the big things happen - y'know? I'm also realizing that spending all of my time passively and compulsively surfing the internet (esp. the devil that is facebook) and watching television is not something that makes me happy. It has the opposite effect, actually. The more time I spend on those mediums the more depressed and removed I get. It doesn't mean I'll give up on writing here, it means I've got to limit my time with these things and actually use it more effectively so I can spend more time on the small things to make the big things happen.

In summary - I'm OK. I'm attempting to plan a trip even though I have virtually no travel experience. I'm trying my best to be happy, and to do things that make me happy (for the short and long term). I'm still pretty terrified. I still have a lot to write about.

Just for kicks though, here's a picture by my friend Regan to show you I'm ok (and confused about devil/rock horns):



Oh! Oh! Oh! We got a new puppy! Well, no actually we're dogsitting Rufus dog for [livejournal.com profile] adventureman and his wife, Danielle, while they are living in Alberta for four months. I gotta say though that we really lucked out with this one - Rufus is pretty much the SWEETEST, most good natured, happy go lucky, sweetheart awesomeness, love monster of a dog in the whole world. Honest to goodness. It's just too bad our dog is not appreciating having a new dog in the apartment - she doesn't know what hit her, and she hasn't been too happy lately. She'll get over it. Rufus rocks.
lolamatopoeia: (whoopdeefuckingdo)
I submitted my acceptance to Nipissing last night. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am excited about this decision (or, rather, not as excited/exciting as I would be if I chose otherwise), but I know that it is the best option for me for many reasons. This has been, and is, tough for me.

I know that many of you will be disappointed in me for this and I would have loved to be in a spot where I could say to everyone 'fuck it all, I'm going to NZ anyway' but I can't. I'd love to be able to let all my friends and family, strangers and enemies, watch me take big risks in life but I have to do what works for me. It would have been great to wrap up this story of my desire for travel and teaching with an ending like 'and then she lived happily ever after by going to school in NZ after all' (heck, who wouldn't want to read that) but this is not the end of my story folks, this is just the beginning. I will now look forward to a full lifetime of teaching and travelling, and living and teaching in different lands.

One of my biggest goals in life is to live in a different country for at least a year, hopefully more, and I am still going to accomplish this goal. I have to. Although I had initially thought that going to school overseas was a good way to do this, it is not going to be the best way for me. I will teach in NZ (or even Australia or the UK) as soon as humanly possible when I am finished my training at Nipissing - that's a promise I've made to myself. I have to keep it. This is not the end of my story, this is just the beginning.

Regardless, I am still quitting my job and leaving on a jet plane for a trip to New Zealand in June (and tramping around NZ and AUS until the beginning of August).

I'm trying hard to stay positive, but so far I've been finding it pretty difficult. I woke up this morning and the first instinct I had was to think something about NZ like I have been doing for the past six months, just an automatic impulse I've made into a habit. It's a habit because this has been on my brain for so long while North Bay (or, Nort' Bey as the locals call it) has not. I do not want to be sad or regretful about this decision. It'll kill me. I need to be positive about this and I can't allow myself to look back on this in any negative way. I can't. This has to be a good thing. I can't allow myself to be sad about this. I can't handle being sad anymore. I am choosing, and trying hard, not to be sad. Your help, friends and strangers, would be appreciated right now. I'm feeling kind of fragile. I need positive thoughts and words and support and encouragment to make sure I don't look back and go into a negative space but keep looking forward to a bright and full future. This is not the end of my story. Be happy for me. I want to be happy. Thanks for all of your support.

Happy thoughts, please?
lolamatopoeia: (marilyntiredhead)
Today has been a bad day for me, emotionally. I had some odd dreams last night associated with the upcoming decision and just everything about this whole situation is making me feel so fucking down. I know that I should be looking at the positives and how I've been accepted everywhere (well, except the PhD) but for me this makes things worse - I would have been better off being rejected by all but one. I am not good with decisions, especially potentially life changing ones.

Today I have been thinking seriously about going back on medication for my depression. I'm not doing too well with myself lately.

another one to read with Prozac )

I'm sorry that I keep posting about this, I'm sorry. I just have no one else to talk to about it anymore since I've been talking the ears off of my friends and family for months now and they don't want to hear it anymore.

Every day I can feel myself getting older and I feel like I'm wasting away. I'm already feeling like I'm 65 years old and looking back on my life with so much regret. I'm so tired of being so sad. I'm so tired of wasting my life being so sad. I'm sad all the time and I can't escape it anymore. I'm just so sad and sick of myself and sick of being so sad. I need to start using this life to actually live but I don't know how to stop being so sad.
lolamatopoeia: (boss)
I'm feeling really down today, so instead of making a post telling you about how utterly depressed I am about where my life is going I'll focus on the things that make me feel good, like this video:

The first time I watched this, around three years back, I could not control myself from squeeling, blushing, nearly fainting, jumping up and down, squeeling more, sweating, nearly crying, having to turn away from the screen intermittenly, and losing my ability to speak or breathe. I lost complete control of myself. I was in the backroom at work, at the coffee shop, and I could not settle down. It was, um, embarassing. Damn.
Enjoy.



Oh, and yes - he wrote the song, and then gave it away. I've got a live version on my ipod. Uh, yes. You're welcome.
lolamatopoeia: (pieceofwork)
So, as it turns out, I have been accepted into every Ontario Teachers College I applied to. I've been offered admission to Nipissing (North Bay, ON), Western (London, ON), and Lakehead (Thunder Bay, ON)'s BEd (Intermediate/Senior) programs. I have until April 17th to accept.

Oh, and I've also been accepted to the University of Canterbury's Graduate Diploma of Teaching and Learning (Secondary) program (in Christchurch, NZ). Classes start at the beginning of July.

I have a decision to make.

The amazing news is that, no matter what I choose, by around this time or so next year I will be a qualified Teacher. Woo hoo!

The tough bit is that I feel like I am at a tremendous crossroads with this decision.

This is going to get very long )

I had intended to make this a pros and cons list post, but somehow I ended up just writing and writing and writing. Sorry.

Nipissing

Apr. 1st, 2009 07:36 am
lolamatopoeia: (inconceivable!)
I woke up this morning to find an Offer of Admission to the BEd program at Nipissing University in my inbox. Uh oh. This is where things get complicated.

I am fully aware that Teacher Education programs in Ontario are ridiculously competitive and notoriously difficult to get into and so to anyone else this would be fantastic news and I don't want to take that for granted - but then I've got New Zealand and the University of Canterbury's Offer dangling in front of me. FUCK. I want to go the NZ for what I see as the experience of a lifetime and take a chance, my one last shot at a dream, but at the same time this is my education we're talking about and I've got to consider if I should go to a school that is known for a quality program or for one that let me in likely partially because I'm an international student (and is thus usually a last resort for wannabe teachers in Ontario who otherwise could not get in here). But I've never even been on a plane before! If I chose to stay that's like choosing to be stuck here in Ontario forever! FUCK fuck fuckity FUCK fuck FUCK FUCK.

Edit: The deadline to accept their Offer is April 17th.

FUCK.

flabitus

Mar. 25th, 2009 10:41 pm
lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
I did not go running tonight and I feel like a lazy fuck because of that. It's been cold and raining all afternoon and evening and I just couldn't bring myself to do it even though I told myself from the beginning of the process that if I start missing days because of something stupid like the weather then I'll just keep making excuses and eventually give up. Ugh. It's just that I've been fighting the return of my cold for the past week and I just didn't want to risk it because it's just so cold and wet and the exertion would aw who am I kidding? I just wasn't up to it tonight and now I feel appropriately like crap. I took the dog for a long walk in the rain as a sort of supplement, but it's not quite the same. Maybe I'll do a few practice runs with the dog on our own in the next evening or so to make myself feel better. The dog needs the practice and I need to get rid of the flub that's been bugging me.

________________________________________

I had a friend over last night to watch the last of the L Word. Now that it's over we'll have to find something else to watch together on Tuesday nights. I'm trying to get her hooked on 'Being Human', we'll see how that goes. She made the most amazing antojitos, complete with amazing dip, for us to eat and yeah, WOW, I am going to have to hone up on my culinary skills and get my ass in the kitchen for next time to even try and compare. I am humbled by antojitos.

Also last night she caught me on the negative wheel going over and over all of the reasons that I shouldn't go to New Zealand. I kept going on and on about the money and the time away from people I love and how it's really not that much different from Canada and the accent kind of gets on my nerves and yada yada until she just asked 'why can't you just allow yourself to be happy?' Good question. That is a good question. I'm working on it. Honestly, I am.

________________________________________

I'm getting a little backed up on emails and responses to things. The wonderful former postman from the cafe I used to work at (long story) emailed me with a long update before Christmas and I've been meaning to write him a long update as well but that just takes so much time and I need like an afternoon to write something like that so yeah, it's been months now and it's just sitting there in my inbox. Taunting me. That and the response I'm supposed to give to that one ipod case guy. I actually ended up ordering one from someone else on Etsy and it's perfect and I'm happy with the purchase I finally made but now I've got to tell this first guy that I found something else. Obviously the truth is the best approach, but that won't make it suck any less for him as a seller or make me come off as any less insane.

_________________________________________

I had a whole bunch of other things I wanted to write about - including a work beef/can't let go of the red stapler situation at work (which reminds me, I should go through and make sure my work posts are locked ...), something about social networking something something, maybe something Springsteen, and probably also something about how if I don't decide on a haircut soon I'm just going to get the scissors and start chopping.
lolamatopoeia: (inconceivable!)
So I was running along with the group this evening, chatting and jogging and walking and having a great time. We were a little more than halfway through and we're running and talking, running and talking, and before I even knew it I felt and then heard 'pffffffffft' come out of my back end. Mid-conversation. Mid-run. The girl running next to me did a bit of a pause in her sentence, I know she knew. I think both of us just thought it would be better to act as though it didn't happen. The worst part? The second fart was even louder.
lolamatopoeia: (marilyntiredhead)
I think I've been grumpier today than I have been in a long, long time. I was curt and bitchy and short tempered and miserable all day. I felt like crap and I just could not shake it. I had to wake up early today for my 8:30AM practice run at the Running Room which was great but fuck I wish I had had more sleep in me. I could not get to sleep last night and even when I did get a little shut-eye time I would keep waking up for no reason and then struggle to go back to sleep again. It was so frustrating. I haven't had such a hard time sleeping in a while and I don't even know what caused it and now I'm scared about it happening again tonight. I mean, I had to have a nap today - yeah, I NAPPED. I never nap. I hate napping - but then there I was, me and the dog, napping:

me and puppy napping

My pillow was soaked in drool.

It could have been because I decided to watch a vampire movie after 10:30PM last night. It was 'Twilight' - FINALLY, LOOOOOOOVED it - which isn't meant to be a scary vampire movie at all, just gut wrenching and dreamy and lovely with a touch of disturbing and creepy, I just have a thing with vampires. Childhood fear. Did I mention that I am 26 years old and I am still afraid of the dark?

In any case, lately I've been getting to thinking about the advice that my old Prof gave me about writing every day until I figure out what I want to write about. I've been feeling a lot more anxious about this task. I still don't know what I'm meant to write about. When I was younger I used to write a lot of fantasy stories, but now that I'm older my writing is mainly just here and this is just ... well, it is what it is. I need to figure this stuff out.
lolamatopoeia: (boss)
I just found myself crying here on the couch watching a video of Springsteen performing last night on the Daily Show. He did an acoustic version of 'Working on a Dream', complete with harmonica, and I turned into a weeping mess. Over the past few years his music, his perspective, and everything about him has had a profound effect on me and has helped me through so much; helped me to see my situation just a bit more clearly and get into it and appreciate it and fight it. I can't explain it. Somehow the man just has a way of tearing at my guts and making me pump my fists and weep.

Also, I just found out he's a Libra. I don't know why I didn't know that. That little fact just confirmed in me the knowledge that Bruce Springsteen epitomizes everything I find attractive in the opposite sex. Fucking Boss.
lolamatopoeia: (whoopdeefuckingdo)
I'm not sure if it's that it just hasn't hit me yet or if it's that I'm actually alright with the fact that I did not get into the PhD program, but I'm surprisingly OK. In any case, thanks to all of you for the congratulations! :)

What may really be the kicker is seeing all of the really smart and well deserving people I know get their acceptance letters rolling in over the next little while. Then it might actually hit me and I'll be able to process all of it. Maybe do a little grieving because any rejection, no matter how OK I am about it, sucks. No no, what will actually be really tough is when my former classmates from my MA get their PhD's in a few years. Hopefully by then I'll be in a better place in life though and I'll be better prepared to deal with that. I'll be OK. The rejection doesn't mean that I am not intelligent or that my idea isn't something that needs to be pursued, it just means that it isn't my time. Or, maybe it really is just not the right path for me - and that's OK. I'm still OK.

The thing is, I'm now trying to wrap my head around the idea that this means I'm actually going to New Zealand in a few months, and that I'm truly going to be a Teacher (and a damn good one). Just, wow. That part, that's the part that doesn't feel real.

_____________________________

I went for my second run this week at the Running Room and I'm so glad I did. I was feeling so sore, as though my thigh muscles had ripped away from the bone, but I knew that if I didn't go I might as well give up now because I won't keep up the commitment. I took it easy and actually felt exhilarated by the end of the run - so much so that I grabbed the dog as soon as I got home and took her for a few rounds around the block as well! One of the best parts of the whole experience is the whole community aspect - other runners wave and smile as they run by and welcome me in their groups and their lifestyle and it's such a friendly space to be in, on top of the activity, fresh air, and a great sense of accomplishment. So glad I joined.

______________________________


I need my hair cut off, like now. I am so sick of the stuff growing out of my head I could just rip it out. I'm just so sick of my look with this hair - it just hangs there. It's just long and straight and I almost never do anything with it. I hardly even wear it in a ponytail or anything anymore. It just hangs there because I can't be bothered fussing over it. Maybe I just need a new style or something, like maybe I'll get some bangs or whatnot, but lately I've been thinking of doing things like this, or this (the redhead), also here, or maybe even this (on the left). I'm leaning most toward the first photo. I need something drastic and that I don't have to do anything with, but I'm also terrified of having an awful haircut to display in pictures of my time overseas. Bah! Let me know what you think, keeping in mind that I currently look like this:

The picture of Tudor and me was taken on Saturday night at a work event. Yep, I'm that short, and he's pretty cute too. I have a nice face stuffed full of food in that there photo.
lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
So I thought I should post since it feels like I've been quiet for a while, but then again it seems like everyone around here has been quiet the past little while, so ... In any case, I just thought I'd write a few quick notes, so here we go:

_________________________________

Since the incident with the onion chopping, I've now given myself two other cuts on the same hand. My hand is now covered in bandaids and I look a little ridiculous. So, alright Tudor may have had a point in his response to the chopping but that doesn't stop me from thinking he's an asshole for saying it (or, from preventing further injuries apparently).

__________________________________

I'm finally recovering from my cold only to find that now Tudor is getting sick (passive aggressive revenge) as well as a few of my coworkers. I win!

__________________________________

I finally watched 'Doubt'. It was excellent, absolutely excellent. It's one of those quietly wonderful movies that is all about subtleties and characters and, err ... doubt. I just wish that they hadn't framed the story so cheesily with two so very overt speeches/exclamations/references to doubt. Ok, ok, I get it - DOUBT!

___________________________________

I can't remember what I did on the weekend, except for Sunday. Saturday seems like a bit of blur for some reason ... oh, wait - yes, it was an event at work. I wasted nearly an entire day shopping for appropriate black shoes. I ended up getting a pair of black dress flats with a bit of a pointed toe that I'd been eyeing for a while. I bought them feeling satisfied since they're classics and you can't go wrong with those and then immediately regretted buying them part of the way home because they were 50 bucks and to me that is a lot of money. It's a lot of money especially considering that I will still need to buy myself a pair of black loafers and black heels (since I currently have no black shoes, save the new flats) on top of a pair of hiking boots/shoes and possibly even running shoes. All before I go to (and save my ass off for) New Zealand. I'm still undecided. I've been wearing them only indoors in case I have to return them. They're fairly comfortable and all, although I'm not sure I could wear them all day w/o supportive insoles, but they were 50 bucks and they're not everday shoes and ... ugh. I wish that things like this were not such a big deal to me. I wish that I had a whole bunch of disposable income for things like this but, you know, I likely never will.

____________________________________

On Sunday Tudor and I were thrilled to have some of our long lost, to Barrie, Ontario, university friends over for dinner and photos and cake and visits.

After many a stressful and sometimes failed dinner party I think Tudor and I may have found a system that works fairly well for us - he does most of the dinner cooking and I do most of the house/apartment cleaning. I get really stressed and frantic and anxious when I'm preparing for people to come over and so turning my craziness into a cleaning frenzy is super efficient. Plus, Tudor makes a kick ass asian pork tenderloin and garlic mashed potatoes. He has really impressed me with his cooking lately and I was glad to see our friends impressed with it too.

I had made a carrot cake a few days earlier and iced it with cream cheese icing (with orange zest) and it went over swimmingly and made me feel so proud. Even when my lovely boyfriend tried to scrape his icing off his portion, the rest of us protested and dived the cream cheesey goodness among us. Yeah, it was that good.

We went on what we call a 'photoroam' together, like old times, along the railroad tracks with our dogs. I was surrounded by these people who take amazing photos and I felt a little at a loss at some points. I think that I forgot how to take photos. I used to love just walking around with my camera and now I'm just a little confused by it and pretty self conscious about the whole thing. Pictures or no pictures, it was an incredibly enjoyable sunny walk after our dinner feast. That spring feeling in the air just made everything so much sweeter and some of my fondest memories have been tied to those sunny moments after dinner in the spring and summer time, strolling in the warm and the green.

_________________________________________

I joined a 'Learn to Run' Clinic. It runs until May. I signed up yesterday and I had my first class tonight. I was so scared going in there, but it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. It's a fairly big group, with only one male. We're all beginners and everyone seems really nice so far (except for the 3 or 4 people who showed up unapologeticly late - it's one thing to show up late, but 25 minutes late without a word of apology or any sense of shame, instead a stunning sense of entitlement, that bugs me /rant). Our run took place through the park and it was such a gorgeous evening. We did about 6 sets of 2 minutes of walking followed by 1 minute of running, and then the last leg was just straight walking. I didn't think that seemed like much on paper, and it was easier than I thought at certain points, but I can really feel it now. I feel like I've got some actual exercise in me and that feels great. I'm going to try and integrate the dog into this running, and I'm going to try my best to maintain this activity and maybe even some day consider myself a Runner. Some day. For now, I'm just proud of myself for going through with it.

How are you?

Home sick

Mar. 12th, 2009 09:44 pm
lolamatopoeia: (molly ringwald fuck you)
I stayed home sick from work today. I have felt like death all day. My throat is sore and I care barely speak, just croak. My head hurts and my eyes sting. My nose runs like a faucet and the skin around it is starting to chafe and burn.

I haven't been able to move around much and it frustrates me. Tudor went out to get groceries and to take the dog to the park this afternoon and I really wanted to go with him but it hurt too much and I didn't think my sick body could take it. I stayed home and attempted to get dinner ready instead. We were having spaghetti amatriciana and I needed to chop a hell of a lot of onion.

I sharpened my knife and set up the chopping board on the table by the couch where I'd been stationed all day. I had one of the Lord of the Rings movies on to keep me company. I started to feel useful and productive as I chopped up one huge onion at the table, it was the most productive thing I'd done all day. I don't mind chopping onions, so this was good. Chopping them while sick though was a little more of a challenge. I felt a little dizzy and my head hurt and the onions successfully started to unclog my sinuses. I wiped my nose with my sleeves, sniffled, and kept on chopping. I was nearly halfway through before:

*sl-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-c-c-c-e*

The freshly sharpened knife zipped right through the tip of my thumb, vertically, from the fleshy fingertip to the edge of the nail. I paused, dropped the knife, looked at the thumb in disbelief and then ran to the sink as I saw the blood starting to drip out and start to run down my hand.

That little thumb bled like a son of a bitch. I stood over the sink running cold water over it to try to make the bleeding stop until I started to feel faint and had to kneel on the floor with a paper towel over the tip applying pressure to the wound. The bleeding just wouldn't stop, even after several minutes, and I kept feeling weaker and weaker. I've been sick all day and haven't been able to eat much or move and cutting myself was probably not a good thing in my already weakened state. I went through several stages of standing up and running water over the thumb until I felt ready to pass out and kneeling on the floor with the paper towels as the pain started to worsen.

Tudor walked in with the dog as I was doing my third or fourth round under the cold water. He saw me, and then saw the bloody paper towels. His reaction to the scene? The very first thing that came out of his mouth?

"WHY aren't you more CAREFUL??? You ALWAYS do this!"

I was too weak to punch him, so I just started bawling instead. Yep, that's my boyfriend. The man I live with. Sometimes, he does not think before he speaks.
lolamatopoeia: (mozflash)
Today I got to help host a schmooze fest at work. It was just a big pain in the ass for everybody, but the food was delicious.

Today I watched the second last episode of The L Word with a new great friend of mine. I have to admit that I still don't love the show (I mean, it's alright) but spending that time with a friend is excellent. It's too bad I had to open up about how psychotic I am about ipod cases.

Today I got a response from that guy and the response was good (he agreed to make whichever one of the 3 to size and to replace the magnets) but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still kind of 'meh' about what he came up with. I'm not overly excited about any of them. I'm now considering just making up some sort of lie to get out of the deal and go somewhere else. I am an awful person.

Today I remembered that I forgot to mention that the party on Saturday went really well and the cupcakes went over fantastically, although I was still icing them up until the last minute. I did, however, get plenty of immature stink eye and weird comments from a group of girls there I hadn't met before who were pissed that I made cupcakes when they picked up a store-bought cake on the way over. Pfft. Take your hydrogenated oil-based and chemically dyed icing and shove it up your cake hole. I ignored the whole thing and got drunk. The birthday girl sent me an email the next day thanking me for the cupcakes and told me she preferred them over the cake. I am only ever competitive when it comes to baking.

Today, I am extraordinarily tired but unable to sleep because my body is still adjusting to daylight savings time.
lolamatopoeia: (george-chairfight-beinghuman)
So I just finished sending an email to that etsy guy. I kept it as short as possible and didn't try and instigate any arguing or bs or anything and just kept it simple with my requests about both the length and the magnets thing and I also told him my price limit. I was brief and clear and let him know that I appreciate his work as well. We'll see what happens. If this thing gets any more complicated I'll just go through someone else or something. This whole ipod case thing is driving me a little nuts.

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I joined all three of the spotlighted journals that were on the lj home page today because they were just too perfect to be true - crock pot cooking, apartment gardening, and Sarah Down Undah (about a Canadian travelling through Australia and New Zealand and taking AMAZING photos along the way). One of her photos from her latest entry actually made me gasp. GASP! Honestly, gasp. If you want to gasp too, just stare a little bit at the second photo in this entry and tell me it doesn't make your heart skip a few beats and then want to beat out of your chest while you try to catch you breath. No? Just me? Yeah, I really need to go to New Zealand. NOW.

In case you haven't guessed, this week I no longer want to do the PhD but want to fly as quickly as I can to New Zealand. Next week, I'll likely have the opposite mindset. I am a delight.

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Oh, and you know what kind of person needs to cease to exist or at least get their comeuppance? The kind of person that breaks into your van when it's parked on the side of the road while your boyfriend is walking the dog and decides that although they got into the vehicle with minimal effort and drank your beer and ate your cupcakes (boyfriend was going to a gathering of friends) that they just HAD TO CRACK YOUR WINDSHIELD in two places before they leave on their merry way. No reason, you know, just a big old 'Fuck You' for having your aged fam van parked on the side of the road in the boonies on a Sunday afternoon. Now, we're going to have to replace our windshield. Damn it. We're on a tight enough budget as it is and this is exactly what we don't need. What the fuck? What is wrong with people? Seriously.

Also, this journal needs more pictures. Picture bonus (cue unflattering but terribly cute picture of me and the dog from today): )

lolamatopoeia: (marilyntiredhead)
I love to bake. I especially love baking for other people. I've never been too much of a cook - I mean I can definitely cook, but I looove to bake. I love the process and I love to see other people enjoying the fruits of that process. I'm usually pretty good at it too, and I'm so proud when others enjoy something I have baked for them. I just love to bake.

I was excited tonight since I planned to make two cakes for the joint birthday party, happening tomorrow night in Toronto, of two (fairly newish) friends. These people are just all around great people and so much fun to be around, so I wanted to make sure each of them had a birthday cake tomorrow night - even if the party is at the top floor of a bar.

I decided on my family's all-time favourite 'jiffy chocolate cake' recipe since it's always a crowd-pleaser, and a carrot cake since we have a whole whack load of carrots for some reason. I bought two cake tin sets so that I could make each a two layered cake. Super excited!

I made the chocolate cake first since I figured that would be the easy one, and because Tudor was still at the store picking up some ingredients for the carrot cake. I followed the recipe the same way I have for years, except that for the past while I've been substituting spelt flour for white flour. I've never experienced any real problems with this substitution - if anything, it's improved the baking. This time, however, something went terribly, terribly, wrong.

I got to watch, in horror, as the middles of my precious chocolate cakes sunk like stones in their last few minutes in the oven. This has never happened to me so didn't even really believe it at first. I took them out of the oven, placed them on the racks, pushed a toothpick through the centre of each to ensure they were done and walked away hoping that it was all just my imagination. Nope. They just kept getting worse and I've come to realize that they're just so beyond salvaging. I even dropped a chunk of one on the floor after it came apart and slipped through my hands while I tried to take it out of the pan. *Flop*.

I thought that the carrot cake would save me. I took time to lovingly grate the carrots and measure out the spices to substitute pumpkin pie mix and the dog and I got nice and sprayed with batter from the electric mixer but I thought yes, the carrot cake will save me!

I followed the recipe carefully, except for the spelt substitution, and oh so nervously placed them staggered in the oven. I watched through the oven door as they rose to a beautiful golden perfection and smiled - yes, the carrot cake is going to save me!

I timed their baking perfectly, according to the recipe, and inserted a toothpick in the centre of each and each one came out dry and clean. I proudly took each baked cake out of the oven and waited the required 10 minutes before taking them out of their pans to cool on the racks. I walked away knowing that those carrot cakes, those perfectly golden brown carrot cakes will save me! It will be a happy dual birthday for my friends and they will all enjoy my carrot cake! Rejoice for carrot cake!

After 10 minutes I hopped into the kitchen and joyfully took each carrot cake out of their pan and onto their cooling rack:

*Plop*

*Plop*

The raw dough centre of each cake seeped through my fingertips and I watched as the perfectly baked edges of my golden carrot cakes were all that made it to the eager cooling rack.


I immediately burst into tears.

Fuck it, these people are getting cupcakes.
lolamatopoeia: (gilbert-80sdance-beinghuman)
Whenever I go for walks during my lunch hour at work I pass by this duo of cheerful middle aged men walking along the same route in the opposite direction. They walk together every day at the same time. Sometimes it's just one of them, the dedicated one. I like them, but I think they're colleagues and they're always talking about work on their lunch break. I go for walks to clear my mind. I listen to music, and I unwind and regenerate. Fresh air, no work, no phones. Seeing those men though, nodding 'hello' as we pass, and gliding along on our way really tends to make my day when it happens. No matter what they're talking about.

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I need this month to be over. I just need final answers on those applications. Final, final answers. The acceptance/rejection letters are supposed to be sent at the beginning of April.

At the same time, I'm doing my best to enjoy this month - and the new springlike weather we're experiencing here - the best I can. I'm trying to spend more time outdoors, and I've even been thinking seriously of picking up the once loved and well used camera some time soon. Courage!

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Oh, and I changed my journal layout - I wanted something super minimal and easy to read. I like the simplicity so far but may change my mind again.

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